Stepping Stones

By Ellen Brown

Do you believe in the pursuit of happiness? Or do you believe that happiness will always be beyond your reach, if you search it out?

While I personally believe that happiness is an attitude, rather than a destination, I think there are steps we can take everyday to feel happier. Of course, these steps will be different for each of us, because we are all so different, and what makes me happy may make you miserable, and vice versa.

I’ve been interested in the topic of happiness for some time now, and earlier this year, I was captivated by The Happiness Project by bestselling author Gretchen Rubin. The book chronicles the year-long journey of Rubin, as she tested out the advice of such happiness experts, philosophers and spiritual leaders as positive psychology guru Martin Seligman, Oprah, Samuel Johnson, and the Dalai Lama, who have suggested everything from keeping a gratitude journal to being in the moment, to daily meditation to simplifying your life and so much more. In the end, Rubin came to believe that you truly can boost your happiness, but doing so takes time and determination and experimentation. She also learned that happiness is a very individual pursuit. So just because something such as meditation makes others happy, it doesn’t guarantee that that certain something will bring YOU happiness.

I loved that Rubin admitted from the get-go that she was pretty happy, in general, but believed she should be happier, given the fortunate circumstances of her life. I also loved the fact that she didn’t embark on a year-long adventure set apart from the worldly pleasures of her life: she stayed right where she was in New York City, with her husband and her two young children. Because she wanted to learn to be happier right where she was and wanted to boost her happiness threshold before she was faced one day with the sort of adversity we’ll all inevitably face in life, whether it’s the death of a loved one or a friend with a terminal illness or something far more daunting.

At the end of her book and stay-at home-adventure, Rubin challenges all of us to start our very own Happiness Projects, and that’s exactly what I plan to do on January 1, with the help of Rubin’s handy Happiness Project Toolbox website: http://www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com/  Her free “toolbox” offers eight simple tools to help you construct your own project and begin boosting your happiness today. My personal Happiness Project is going to be my happy alternative to New Year’s Resolutions, which have rarely, if ever, worked for me.

The truth is that I’d planned to start my Happiness Project earlier this year, but the project got put on hold when my Mom became ill in January, and slowly declined, finally dying in July. As you might imagine, it was a tremendously emotional time, and throughout the year, I often wondered if it would have been helpful to have had a Happiness Project in place before my Mom’s decline. Though I’ll never, of course, know, my hunch is that taking conscious steps to boost my happiness, beforehand, could have served as a healthy buffer during what was one of the most painful and miraculous and transformational times in my life.

Since reading The Happiness Project, I’ve recommended the book to many of my coaching clients, who are dealing with difficult transitions such as job loss, chronic illnesses, or the death of a loved one. I’ve also suggested that they consider starting their own Happiness Projects, because more than ever, I’m convinced that finding a way to bring more enjoyment into our lives can have huge benefits. I truly believe that happiness and inner peace are worth pursuing whether you’re on top of the world, or you’re facing the Tsunami of your life.

I’d love to hear what you have to say about the pursuit of happiness. And if you’ve already started a Happiness Project or are considering launching one, I’d appreciate hearing about your experience. Please leave a comment, here on Stepping Stones.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH. Visit her website at http://ellen-brown.com

By Ellen Brown

If you’re grieving the death of a loved one or the loss of your job, the holidays may be anything but the hap, hap happiest time of the year. In fact, depending on your circumstances, the holidays may be the most dreaded time of the year.

You may even feel like there’s something wrong with you for not “being in the holiday spirit,” if you don’t feel like going to the company holiday party this year (if you have a job) or heading over to Aunt Irma’s for a big Christmas dinner. And that’s understandable since we certainly have some bizarre expectations in our culture about people being especially joyful during the holidays.

But the truth is there isn’t anything wrong with you for not being in the holiday spirit. You’re going through a tough time, and you can’t be expected to flip a switch and be happy on someone else’s timetable.

It’s natural to feel sad during the holidays if you’re dealing with any sort of loss, because the holidays bring up memories of how things used to be, whether you’re missing a loved one who recently died or longing for the way your life used to be before you were laid off from your job.

Instead of berating yourself for not feeling happy enough, consider cutting yourself some slack. If you’re not sure how to do that, here are six tips for navigating the holidays this year, during this difficult time in your life:

Embrace Your Feelings – Instead of staying insanely busy during the holidays to keep your feelings at arm’s length, give yourself the time and space to experience and release your feelings. Though our culture leads us to believe that there are “good feelings” –such as joy that should be seen and heard — and “bad feelings” — such as sadness and anger — that are better pushed aside, when we stuff our feelings they often come seeping out in inappropriate ways. But when we lean into our feelings, they move through us like a river, cleansing and healing us. So if you’re feeling sad, go ahead, and have a good cry. And if you’re like some of the clients I’ve coached who are worried that if they open up the proverbial floodgates they’ll never stop crying, not to worry. It’s not going to happen. I promise. Crying is healthy and healing, and I don’t know about you, but when I allow myself to have a good cry, I always feel better.

Reach Out – If you know the holidays are going to be painful this year, because you’re missing a loved one who’s died, create a list of friends and family members who you can reach out to when you’re feeling down. The key is to find loved ones who are supportive rather than directive. There are plenty of people you can turn to who will tell you that you should “be over” the death of your Dad or grateful that you lost your job because you hated it anyhow. But what you’re looking for is people who will let you express your feelings without judging you or dispensing advice. I truly believe that one of the greatest gifts we can give and receive, during the holiday season (and everyday of the year) is the gift of listening without judgment. It is priceless.

Treat Yourself Gently and Generously – Sometimes we can be so mean and stingy with ourselves. But now, more than ever, we need to treat ourselves with gentleness and generosity. So become aware of how you’re talking to yourself. Are you building yourself up or tearing yourself down with your self talk? Are telling yourself that you’re a “bad Mom” because you’re too emotionally drained to do everything you typically do for the holidays this year? Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a close friend: with compassion and gentleness. And while you’re at it, why not do something nice for yourself this holiday season, whether that means getting a massage or taking yourself for a long walk in the woods or springing for a tasty dinner at a new restaurant that you’ve been meaning to try out? It doesn’t have to be expensive or time consuming (though it could be). I often challenge clients to weave some fun into their lives everyday, and that’s especially the case during the holidays. So I encourage YOU to do the same.

Tickle Your Funny Bone – When we’re dealing with loss, life can seem so heavy, so adding a little levity can go a long way. And let’s face it: laughing just feels good. If you need more reasons to add laughter to your life, consider this: studies show that humor has some serious healing powers. It can reduce stress, boost our immune system, increase our threshold for pain, and shift our perspective in an instant. Since humor is a very personal thing, I wouldn’t presume to prescribe a generic list of yucks. But you might want to find some funny movies to watch, catch up on your favorite sitcoms, and look for the humor in everyday life. I’m told that You Tube has a whole genre of cat videos that will have you rolling on the floor.

Count Your Blessings – Though it may sound counter intuitive to look at what you’re thankful for, when you’re going through a tough time, it really does work. Keeping a gratitude journal or just writing down what you’re thankful for when you’re having a particularly difficult day, helps balance out the negatives with the positives. The trick is to tune into your feelings as you’re writing your list, so you can feel the shift that takes place. I’m always amazed at the lift I feel, when I take the time to acknowledge and express my gratitude.

Remember That You’re in Charge – If you’re like many people, you may feel as though you HAVE TO do everything you’ve always done during holidays, whether you’re grieving or not. So in your mind, there’s no question you have to send out holiday cards, bake the cookies, and host the big family dinner. But the choice is yours. You can change things up. Try out new traditions. Get other family members involved, instead of going it alone. And you can even cut yourself some slack and choose NOT to attend some holiday parties. If you’re the family perfectionist who’s always gunning for another gold star, maybe this is an opportunity to give someone else a chance to help out. Of course, can still choose to handle everything yourself, as always. But just know that the choice is yours.

If you’re dealing with loss this holiday season, what are YOU doing to make it easier on yourself?

I’d love to hear what you have to say about this post. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH and a regular contributor to ShareWIK.com.

By Ellen Brown

Several years ago, when I was writing an article about heart disease in women, each of the women I interviewed pleaded with me at the end of our conversation. “If you ever notice symptoms like these, please don’t wait like I did,” they begged. “Get it checked out.”

After promising to do as they said, I filed the information away in my mind and moved onto the next thing.

Then a few weeks ago, it happened. Seemingly out of nowhere, I started feeling a dull pain in my chest, and felt strangely fatigued and short of breath.

Suddenly, I started flashing back to my conversations with those women, remembering the symptoms they’d described, which included shortness of breath, nausea, pain between the shoulder blades, and fatigue. Each had fluffed off their symptoms, because they hadn’t wanted to “make a big fuss,” they told me. And one woman waited so long before heading to the emergency room that she almost hadn’t lived to tell about it.

At first, I explained away my symptoms, just as the other woman had done. I was tired because I was grieving the loss of my Mom. I felt discomfort in my chest because I was lifting weights that were a little too heavy. And my shortness of breath? Well, I HAD gained a few pounds lately. Surely that was the reason I was huffing and puffing up the stairs.

But then I remembered my promise: don’t wait like they did; get my symptoms checked out. Thankfully, at the time, I was participating in a bereavement group, in which our facilitator kept emphasizing the importance of staying healthy when grieving the loss of a loved one. Because the fact is grief can be tough on the body. So it’s important for us to keep up with health screenings and tune into what our bodies are trying to tell us.

So a few days later I was on the phone, explaining my symptoms to a triage nurse, and since there was no sense in sugar coating it, I mentioned that there’s a strong incidence of heart disease in my family.

It’s funny how the proverbial “sirens” go off when a 50 year-old woman with a family history of heart disease calls in. So that very next day I was at the Cleveland Clinic, talking to a young internist, whose eyebrows shot up like a cartoon character when I told him that my Dad had his first heart attack at the age of 57, and my Mom was in her 60s when she required quadruple bypass surgery.

The doctor ordered an EKG and a chest X-ray STAT. Thankfully, both turned out “beautifully,” as he put it, so beautifully, in fact, that I thought I was going to be able to weasel out of having an echocardiogram which seemed a bit over the top. But no, I still had to have the echo, he said, though he decided against putting me on the treadmill for a stress test after my EKG turned out so well.

In the meantime, my doctor ordered a big batch of blood tests, including one that measured cholesterol levels. The tests all turned out “great,” he told me a few days later.

But the results of the echo still remained a mystery.

A couple days later, I received the happy news that my echocardiogram was “normal” and my heart was in good shape, and boy was I ever relieved. I almost dropped the phone, while I was doing a little happy dance, as I spoke with one of the nurses in my doctor’s office.

The shortness of breath, it turned out, was due to being a bit overweight, so now, I just have to lose a little weight, which seems like nothing in the grand scheme of things. At least I didn’t have heart disease!

So thankfully, my story has a happy ending. But take it from me, and the three women I interviewed years ago. If you’re experiencing the symptoms I described, or some other symptoms that may indicate heart disease, please, have them checked out. And if you’re dealing with any kind of loss, it’s so important to keep up with your health screenings and seek medical attention, if you notice any troubling changes in your health.

I’d love to hear what you have to say about this post. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones.

Are you dealing with a challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

They say that grieving is a lonely process, and if you’re grieving the death of a loved one, you may feel all alone with your feelings. But it doesn’t have to be that way. There are support groups in your community and online that you can join, and people there who will understand what you’re going through.

I recently found that to be true, when I participated in a bereavement group through the Hospice of the Western Reserve, after my Mom died. Over the years, I’ve been a part of a number of support groups and often encourage coaching clients to do the same. That’s because there is something comforting about being in the company of people who are traveling a similar path. There is an unspoken understanding, an invisible bond.

In any case, this wonderful bereavement group was a sanctuary away from the bustle of everyday life, a place where it was OK to be where we were at in our healing process, where no one judged us for our tears or our anger or our sense of relief. Groups like these are quite a gift in our crazy busy culture, which is all about hurrying up and getting “over” our grief.

It was a comfort to be embraced by this circle of new friends, where no one asked “aren’t you over that yet?” or told me “you should feel grateful that your mother is finally at peace.” It was a place where we could share our stories and our ways of coping or choose, instead, to rest in our silence. It was also a comfortable venue to learn about the process of grief, and test drive different tools to help us heal.

I  tell you all this, in case you, too, are grieving a loss. Because, whether you’re dealing with the death of a loved one, the loss of your job, or the decline of your health, you don’t have to go it alone.  If you need a little help, consider joining a bereavement group or a job club or a support group for dealing with a chronic disease such as cancer or diabetes.

And never forget that reaching out for help is strength, not a weakness!

So how about YOU? How have support groups helped you? I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones.

Are you dealing with a challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

In our culture, we’re taught – subtly or not so subtly – that certain emotions are better than others. Joy is “good.” Anger and sadness are “bad.” Guilt is pointless. And shame is, well, shameful, and best swept under the bed.

Often, these emotional dos and don’ts are reinforced by our families, when we’re growing up. Our parents might have told us that “boys don’t cry” or hissed “I’ll give you something to be sad about” from time to time.

Given those circumstances, it’s no surprise that we sometimes stuff those feelings we’ve been told are “bad.” But when we do, those feelings often reappear in the form of physical symptoms such as stomach aches or insomnia. Worse yet, they may lead to chronic conditions such as heart disease or cancer.

Or sometimes, those feelings leak out in inappropriate ways, because let’s face it: they’re always seeking a target, whether it’s someone from the past who wronged us or someone in the here and now we love with all our heart. I’ve seen this not so pretty leakage occur in my own life, and in the lives of my coaching clients, whether they’re moving onto a new job or a new relationship.

When we don’t release the feelings associated with our losses, whether we’ve been laid off or we’re dealing with the death of our spouse or significant other, we carry those feelings into that next phase of our life and often heap them onto someone new or familiar. And that is NOT a loving way of moving through life …

So I’m here to tell you that when you’re dealing with any kind of loss it is SO important to feel and release all of your feelings, whether you’re experiencing sadness or anger or guilt or regret or any other emotion that bubbles to the surface. As far as I’m concerned, there aren’t any “bad” feelings. Some feelings may feel more comfortable than others. But feelings aren’t “good” or “bad.” They just are.

When we give feelings their time in the sun, acknowledging them, expressing them, and releasing them, they move through us, instead of getting stuck inside and gunking up our lives.

In case you’re thinking “yeah this all sounds great but how do I do that,” here are some ideas:

• Talk it out – Find someone you can trust, whether that’s a close friend who can listen, without judgment, or a trusted therapist or coach.
• Write it out – Journaling about how you’re feeling can go a long way toward acknowledging and releasing your feelings. Of course, “journaling” is one of those words with many meanings, so what I mean by journaling is sitting down with a notebook daily (or several times a week), getting quiet, tuning into your feelings and writing about what you’re feeling, without censoring or editing your words. To help you get started, ask yourself, “how or what am I feeling right now?”
• Act it out – Sometimes, emotion calls for taking action. And for the record, I’m talking about taking action in a safe and reasonable way. Expressing your anger can be a positive experience. But not when you’re hurting yourself or someone else! Some possible ways of expressing or releasing your anger include going for a run or a brisk walk, writing a letter to the person you’re angry at (just because you write it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to send it), playing tennis or handball, closing the windows in your home or car (while it’s parked) and screaming at the top of your lungs, or simply allowing yourself to cry when you’re feeling sad.

As always, there are no one-size-fits-all solutions. The point is to find some healthy ways of expressing and releasing your feelings that work for you.

I’d love to hear what you have to say about the ideas in this blog post. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

Lately, I’ve been hankering to try something new. To experiment. To explore. To get out more. This all makes perfect sense since I haven’t had much time or energy to play in the past year, a year that began with the slow decline and death of my father-in-law last August and ended with the passing of my mom in July.

During that time, I didn’t have much energy or a whole lot of time to get out and have fun.  But today, while I am still grieving my losses, I’ve lately noticed a stirring within to try something new. And it feels kind of exciting. Like the way it felt years ago in the fall, when school started, and the air smelled crisp and full of possibilities.

Thankfully, life is serendipitous, so when I started thinking about how it would be nice to get out more, a friend of mine told me about a new book club that’s forming next month. I also heard about a study group that’s centered around the spiritual teachings of Eckhart Tolle and his book, the Power of Now. Though my husband and I have only attended the group a few times, we already feel at home there.

I don’t pretend to be “over” the loss of my loved ones, and I still carry plenty of Kleenex for those weepy moments that seem to spring out of nowhere, when I hear a sad song or smell a familiar scent of perfume that reminds me of my mom. But I’m feeling more hopeful and energetic. And ready to try something new. And for that I’m grateful.

How about YOU? Have you found it helpful to try something new when you’re dealing with loss?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

If you’ve been laid-off in the past couple years, do you feel like your self -confidence has slowly eroded? Many of my coaching clients who lost their jobs in the Recession certainly felt that way at a certain point.

But the good news is that there’s hope. Do yourself a favor, though. Start rebuilding your self-confidence now, rather than “hitting bottom” and needing to rebuild from ground zero. That way, when you walk into that next job interview, you’ll look and feel confident and assured, which is important, because, if you don’t feel confident, you won’t project that attitude in an interview.

If you’re not sure how to give yourself a boost, here are five ideas to get you started:

• Review your successes – That’s right. When you go back and recall your successes, both job-related and otherwise, and write them down and review them regularly, it will actually make you feel better. Here are a few questions I ask clients to help them remember their successes:
  • When, in your life, have you felt the most successful, in general?
  • What are the greatest strengths you bring to the table as a prospective employee?
  • What were your greatest successes in your last job?
  • Tell me a little bit about when you have felt the most successful in terms of your personal relationships.
  • What are you doing in your life today that makes you feel successful?
  • Commit to a new project or goal – This “project” could be just about anything, as long as it’s something that would give you a sense of accomplishment. It could be running a marathon or learning to cook French food. But make sure it’s something you REALLY want to do, not something you think you should want to do or something that someone else believes would serve you well.
  • Volunteer – It may sound counter productive to volunteer your time, when what you really need is a job, preferably yesterday, that pays good money. But volunteering is a wonderful way to boost your self-confidence. Not only does volunteering bring us together with other people who are doing good works, (which can lift our spirits), it also can help us develop new skills and reminds us, firsthand, of our talents and strengths. And the best part is that when we’re giving back to the community, we just feel happier.
  • Partner with a job-seeking friend – Searching for a new job, especially when you’ve been doing so for an extended period of time, can feel like traveling a lonely road. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Team up with a fellow job seeker or two and meet with them daily or weekly at the library or a local coffee house to share goals, encourage one another, and hold each other accountable. Don’t know anyone, who’s looking for a job? How about joining a job club? Check out this post I wrote on the subject awhile back: http://ellen-brown.com/blog/2010/02/18/dealing-with-job-loss-joining-a-career-club-can-help-you-boost-confidence-during-job-search/
    • Hire a coach – Coaches can encourage you and listen to you, and help you overcome the limiting beliefs that may be holding you back. They can also help you formulate a plan to return to work and keep you on track. One of the toughest aspects of navigating a difficult transition such as job loss is that so many feelings – including anger, sadness, and confusion — bubble up. And if you don’t take the time to feel your feelings and move through them, they may leak out in job interviews or in your personal life. And believe me, that’s not such a pretty sight. Good coaches also serve as a guiding light, helping you believe in yourself as you are navigating this tumultuous time.

So what or who has helped YOU rebuild your self-confidence, when dealing with job loss or another difficult transition?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment, here, on Stepping Stones, by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

The natural world has always been a sanctuary for me, particularly in tough times: a sacred place to let go and recharge.

Perhaps the renowned writer and environmentalist, Rachel Carson, put it best when she said, “There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrain of nature – the assurance that dawn comes after night and spring after the winter.”

I find these repeated refrains in nature, these absolute guarantees, so comforting. They remind me that the dawn will always come and that gray clouds will eventually give way to sunny skies.

Yet as comforting as these natural patterns are, I sometimes forget about how important it is for me to spend time in nature, and that’s what happened recently, when my Mom died. I was feeling incredibly out of sorts, but didn’t question it because I was grieving after all, and it’s “normal” to be out of sorts when you’ve lost someone you love.

Then one day, I received a flyer in the mail for a retreat. It was an invitation to spend a day in nature doing absolutely nothing, and my heart did a happy dance – a little flutter flop. My heart was saying “yes please. Me, me.” So I signed up. And it was just what my heart desired: a day immersed in the beauty and music of nature.

I should tell you that one of my favorite things in the world is to wander around in nature, touching this leaf and that flower, giving my eyes and fingers free rein to explore the shapes and colors and textures. Basking in the beauty of it all like a child.

That day, as I set out on the windy path through the woods, with its lacey hemlocks and moss-covered ledges, I knew where I wanted to end up. I wanted to set up camp on one of the ledges and look up into the green summer canopy and just be.

After spreading out a blanket I’d carried with me, I laid down on one of the cool ledges, looking up into the trees. As I settled in for the day, all the worries that kept my mind churning slowly drifted away until it was just me and my breath and the wind in the trees. After awhile, I felt a warmth wash over me. An ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I was home. Returned to the earth. At one with all creatures and plants.

I laid there watching the light weaving in and out of the leaves and the clouds shape shifting through the sky. It was a feast for the eyes –lush and sumptuous and healing. I felt blessed to be spending time in this sacred place. Blessed to be alive.

On that day, I was reminded again of the healing power of nature. Because no matter what we’re going through, no matter how difficult life seems, the natural world is always waiting for us with its sweet embrace. Soothing us with its melodies. Reminding us that life is constantly changing and this too shall pass.

So what does YOUR sanctuary look like? Is it someplace in nature, or an entirely different setting?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment, here, on Stepping Stones, by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

Do you ever feel like you’re just getting by in life? Surviving, rather than thriving?

I certainly felt that way many years ago, and last week, I “sat down” with my friends Dan Hays and Stash Serafin to discuss the topic of thriving (opposed to surviving) on our Blog Talk Radio show, Dialogues with Dignity.

After our roundtable discussion last week, I started thinking about how I’d been able to thrive after spending many years healing from child sexual abuse. Because it wasn’t quite clear to me, and there certainly wasn’t some magical line I crossed over from victim to survivor to thriver. Yet somehow I DID transcend my past; there is no denying it.

So how did I make that shift? I’ve found many tools for thriving along my journey, but one of the big things is  that I spent several years processing the feelings that bubbled after the memories of abuse surfaced. I cried. I raged. I told and retold my “story” countless times to therapists and groups and even to total strangers, at one point, I’m embarrassed to admit. Until I was sick and tired of that story. Bored of telling it, bored of hearing it and sick of blaming others for the circumstances of my life.

I can’t remember if the boredom set in gradually or not. But I do remember attending a healing workshop one day, years ago, and hearing myself , once more, relate the story of how I had been abused when I was young in great detail. Then, something shifted inside, and it suddenly felt as though my “true self” was witnessing the whole scene from a distance. I heard a voice inside say , “oh brother. Not again. This is sooooo boooorring….”

It was as though I could no longer stand describing myself that way. There was no denying that I had been abused. There was no denying that the abuse affected me in profound ways. But on that day, something shifted in me, and I refused to think of myself in that small and limiting way. While it was convenient for me to blame others —  including my mother – for hurting me and “ruining my life,” doing so was keeping me stuck. I’d allowed my story to keep me down in the dark abyss of despair. And I was tired of living down there. It was familiar, yes, but oh so dreary and oppressive.

That day, I felt a warmth starting in my abdomen and growing larger, swirling and pulsing. Hopeful and powerful. Urging me forward.

On that day, I promised myself that I’d never again use my “survivor label” as a badge of honor. I was a survivor, yes, but so much more than that, and I was tired of defining myself by that label. Tired of blaming the people in my life who had hurt me when I was young for my problems today. That day, I made a promise to myself to stop defining myself by what happened to me in my childhood and to take responsibility for my life. So I could thrive.

So, how about YOU? Are you surviving rather than thriving? Or have you found a way to thrive?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment, here, on Stepping Stones, by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

If you’d like to hear more about the benefits of thriving, check out one of our recent episodes of Dialogues with Dignity, in which we discuss that very topic:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dialogueswithdignity/2010/08/19/thriving-with-dignity

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

When you’re dealing with a difficult life transition, such as divorce or job loss, do you sometimes beat yourself up because you can’t seem to  “get over it and move on?” Many of my clients fall into that familiar pattern, and I’ve certainly done the same from time to time. The problem is that scolding ourselves only makes matters worse.

Such was the case with my client, Josh (not his real name), a young and talented attorney who was laid off during the economic downturn. Josh had solid credentials, a great resume, and a gentle presence that made him a delight to be around. But Josh had been out of work for nearly nine months, and he had begun to see that long lapse as a character flaw. Sometimes, in our sessions, he would berate himself for being out of work, which only made him feel worse. That, in itself made it harder for Josh to sell himself in his job interviews. Over time, I helped him see that treating himself more gently was actually more helpful than beating himself up.

But it wasn’t easy, because Josh was like many of us who believe that a swift kick in the you know where is the best motivating force in helping us move forward. And why not? That belief is instilled in us by parents and coaches and bosses who tell us to “just buck up” or “stop your bellyaching” or “quit your complaining and get on with your life.” But comments like these only heap on the shame and shame, while sometimes paralyzing, is rarely motivating.

To me, the best medicine for dealing with a difficult transition is to be gentler with yourself. Why? Because when you’re going through a transition, you’re already in a compromised state. You may be feeling sad or angry or scared. Or you may be confused about what your future holds. When you’re navigating this rocky terrain, what you need is a best friend who’s cheering you on. Not a bully, threatening to knock you down.

If you’re wondering how you could be gentler with yourself, for starters, you could:

• Stop yelling at yourself and treat yourself with the same love and respect that you’d show a good friend
• Allow yourself to “be” with your feelings instead of pushing them away. This will allow your feelings to move through you in a natural way, instead of getting stuck.
• Remind yourself of your strengths and successes everyday
• Counteract your negative self talk, such as “I’m a loser” with positive messages you believe (e.g. “I’m a valuable employee”)
• Take some time to reflect on your new circumstances through journaling, meditation, or spending time in nature
• Balance out this tough time with enjoyable activities – in whatever form that takes for you
• Remember that  nothing lasts forever and “this too shall pass.”

So, do you tend to beat yourself up, or are you able to treat yourself with gentleness when you’re going through a difficult transition?

What keeps you from treating yourself more gently?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

If you’d like to hear more about the benefits of being gentle with yourself, check out one of our recent episodes of Dialogues with Dignity, in which we discuss that very topic: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dialogueswithdignity/2010/08/05/being-gentle-versus-working-hard

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.