Sometimes the People Who Hurt Us the Most Are Our Greatest Teachers
Wednesday, February 25, 2009 10:56Today’s post of gratitude is dedicated to the people in my life who have caused me the greatest pain, because, in many ways, they could be called my greatest “teachers.” I’ll spare you the gory details. But suffice it to say that I survived some serious physical and sexual abuse, during my childhood.
As a result, I often pitied myself and held decades worth of hate in my heart. Back then, I was stuck in a victim rut, blaming the people who hurt me for all my failings. But then one day, when I was tired of telling my same sad story for the gazillionth time, I realized that I had a choice: I could keep on blaming the people who wronged me for all my failings, or make peace with what had happened. I could continue to hate them or forgive them, not for their sake, but for mine.
After coming to terms with what they had done, I slowly forgave them and began to reclaim my life. I won’t pretend that the process was quick and easy. The truth is it took time and faith and a willingness to open my heart, which was no small feat for someone who truly believed that love was for suckers.
While I never preach forgiveness, because I believe it’s such a personal decision, for me, the act of forgiveness has released me from my own inner prison. And while I’d be fibbing if I pretended to never feel a twinge of anger or sadness about what happened to me, I’ve released the bitterness, blame and rage I used to hold dear.
Although I’d never wish abuse on anyone (myself included), I do believe that the pain I endured helped shape me into the person I am today: a strong, determined, compassionate, grateful, forgiving woman. And a sensitive, caring coach. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
Can you think of a time in your life that was painful but transformational? How did your experience change you?
Please join in the conversation by leaving a comment, here, on Stepping Stones.
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Rena says:
February 25th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Beautifully said. It is true that some of the greatest infractions against us serve as some of the biggest lessons. Many of my clients, although they at first resist, ultimately find peace and healing in finding the gratitude for the events. Discovering what they learned about themselves, what they know they can count on from themselves going forward and how they are smarter because of the experience/s shifts the energy of it from victim to student and then on to teacher. You are a light! Keep on doing your important work!
Ellen Brown says:
February 25th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Rena,
Thank you so much for stopping by and for your kind words. I agree that it can take awhile for people to come to this place of peace and forgiveness, and, of course, everyone’s journey is different. Thank you for sharing your perspective, in terms of the work you do with clients.
Ellen
Tamara says:
March 6th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Ellen,
Thank you for writing this. I am struggling right now to figure out how to best convey my message about healing from child abuse. Like you, I healed by finally facing that everything that happened made me the person I am today. I am mostly very happy with my life and who I have become. This does not mean I don’t wish I could have arrived at this same place sans the abuse. But, I didn’t. I forgave for my own health and peace of mind because until I did I was STUCK! I was going to waste my life being angry at people who really didn’t care whether I was angry or not. I was only hurting myself.
Healing was a long, hard and sometimes lonely road. I took many wrong turns and a lot of right ones. I had good support of therapists and friends but I had to do the internal work by myself. I am proud of that but mostly I want to share that in a way that can be heard by other survivors.
My blog is at a standstill right now. Partly because I have been dealing with losing my dog. But, also because I am trying to figure out where best to start and how best to deliver the message so that it has the greatest chance of being heard and grokked by those who are still firmly planted in anger.
Your words here were wonderful and I admire you for stepping up and sharing your story. Each one of us that does makes it a bit easier on those that follow.
All my best,
Tamara
Ellen Brown says:
March 6th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Dear Tamara,
First of all, thank you for your heartfelt comment. I admire you for all the healing you’ve done, and continue to do. I agree that healing from child abuse can be a very painful and lonely path. But I am so glad that you had the strength to do the healing you needed to do.
I hear your dilemma of not knowing how to convey your message so that people who are still in a place of anger can hear it. And while I don’t pretend to know you, I have every confidence that if you’ve made it this far, you’ll figure it out in time. In my experience, when we go deep within, the answers are always there. But sometimes it takes time to be ready for the answer. In my opinion, all we can do is speak our truth, and when people are ready to hear it they will; and when they aren’t yet ready they won’t. Because the only ones we can change are ourselves.
The truth is you have already been so courageous … You survived your childhood and have spoken your truth, and in time I’m sure you’ll share even more. But I invite you to cut yourself some slack and take all the time you need to convey your message to other survivors …
Thank you for sharing YOUR story, here, on my blog, and for all your kind words. I’m eternally grateful for people like you who have the courage to speak your truth. Together, we are breaking the silence so other survivors can step out into the light and reclaim their loves.
With much gratitude,
Ellen