Stepping Stones

By Ellen H. Brown

Life, as they say, can change in an instant. Today, you have a job, tomorrow you don’t. Today, you’re married with children. Tomorrow you’re married with children AND caring for your father with Alzheimer’s disease.

During these trying times, it’s typical to feel confused and off balance. Unfortunately, it’s also common to deprive ourselves of precisely what we need the most: Time to take care of ourselves, time to do something we love, or better yet time to do nothing at all.

In her book, The Art of Extreme Self-Care, bestselling author and coach Cheryl Richardson describes our tendency to fall into familiar patterns when we are faced with life’s challenges. One of these patterns involves depriving ourselves of what we need and enjoy, whether that’s a night out with friends, vigorous exercise or healthy food to nourish our bodies.

The trick, Richardson tells us, is to become aware of that tendency, and feed ourselves, instead, with the stuff we truly need. Because the fact is, if we don’t take care of ourselves and make time for our own lives, we won’t have the energy or enthusiasm to find a new job or take care of our loved ones.

By the way, I’m not a guru preaching to you from high on a mountain, I don’t pretend to be perfect. In fact, I recently fell into my own version of the deprivation trap when my beloved father-in-law, John, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. In addition to having cancer, John has late-stage Alzheimer’s Disease, and for a whole host of safety reasons I won’t explain here, we made the difficult decision to place him in a nursing home, a decision that was fraught with much angst and grief.

When John was first diagnosed with cancer, my husband, Jeff, and I visited him every day, which usually amounted to about four hours at a pop (including travel time). While I’ve always loved John as though he were my own dad, the truth is that spending time with someone who is in the late stages of Alzheimer’s disease is incredibly draining, emotionally.

While he still may know who we are on good days, we can no longer communicate with him. Words, it seems, sound like gobbledygook to him. So we just sit with him and hold his hand and speak in soothing tones, knowing that he doesn’t know what we’re saying, but hoping he finds comfort in our familiar voices.

It is painful to witness his slow slide into oblivion, to watch a man I love who was once so vital, slipping away.  Each day forgetting how to do one more thing. I tell you all this not so you pity me, but to demonstrate the wear and tear that a challenging situation like this can have on you.  And how, over time, you may begin to deprive yourself of self care when you are committed to attending to someone else’s needs.

That’s what was happening for me and my husband for awhile. While I was still keeping up with my exercise routine, many other aspects of my self care were falling away. I wasn’t taking time to get together with friends or carving out time for meditation and yoga. And as a result, I was feeling exhausted, emotionally and physically.

Finally, we realized something had to change. So we don’t visit John every day, and don’t always spend as much time with him on each visit. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. I wish I could always be there for John AND take care of myself.

But that’s impossible. In the end, I know we need to take care of ourselves, so when we visit John, we’re healthy and present and able to attend to his needs.

While I wouldn’t wish Alzheimer’s Disease on anyone, tough times like these have taught me a great deal about the importance of practicing extreme self care.  Over the years, I’ve learned a number of strategies (from masters such as Richardson and through trial and error) that have worked well for me and many of my clients.

Listed below are several of those strategies, but please experiment and see what works for you, because there are no-one -size fits-all solutions:

1. Remind yourself of why it’s important for you to take time for yourself. If you’re not sure, ask yourself this: in what way would my life be different if I were more relaxed and less stressed? Or, if I had more energy, how would my life be better?
2. Create an affirmation to remind you of your commitment to self care. Repeat it, periodically, throughout the day.
3. Create a list of activities that appeal to you and help you relax.
4. Block out specific times on your calendar when you’re going to practice extreme self care, whether that involves exercising, attending a yoga class, or taking time to read a good book.
5. If you are caring for a loved one, ask a friend or family member to help out a couple times a week so you can make time for some of the activities you’ve listed above.
6. If it’s helpful, set alarms on your cell phone or computer to remind you of these activities.
7. If you are having trouble honoring your commitment to yourself, hire a coach, who can hold you accountable and help you overcome the limiting beliefs that may be stopping you from taking time for your life.

When you’re dealing with a difficult life transition, what happens to your self care routine?

How is your lack of self care affecting the rest of your life?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please join in the conversation by scrolling down and leaving a message, here, on Stepping Stones.

Are you facing a difficult life transition such as job loss or dealing with the death of a loved one? Are you struggling to keep your head above water as a primary caregiver of an older adult? If so, I’d love to support you on your challenging life journey. Visit my website at http://tinyurl.com/npmube to sign up for an introductory session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen H. Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, Ohio.