Dealing with Job Loss? Just Get Over It!
Monday, October 26, 2009 8:09By Ellen H. Brown
If you’ve been laid off, do you think you should just get over it and move on? A number of men I recently talked to at a business conference certainly thought so, when I told them I was coaching a lot of clients around job loss. Maybe I’m naïve, but I was shocked. I mean our culture doesn’t exactly celebrate the grieving process. But I thought we’d moved beyond the buck-up mentality.
I don’t mean to pick on men. But, hey, they were only ones who insisted we should all just get over it. Women? Well, they had an entirely different response. A few told me they had been laid off and were having the toughest time. Their confidence had been shaken. They felt crushed. And some admitted they were still recovering after a year.
It’s true that men in our culture, haven’t exactly been taught to reach out and talk about their feelings, which is unfortunate. Because I believe we can all benefit from releasing the feelings that get tangled up inside of us.
And the fact is this isn’t an entirely man-centric issue. Many men AND women still perceive asking for help as a weakness rather than a strength. Forgive me for saying so, but we really DO need to get over that!
Instead of “getting over it,” I prefer to think of the process of job loss recovery this way. It’s about finding our way through the transition, as bestselling author and consultant William Bridges says in his book Making Sense of Transitions.
What does that involve? It’s about expressing our feelings with a trusted friend or coach, learning what we can from the experience, appreciating the good things we DO have in our lives, putting our losses in perspective and ultimately moving toward a new beginning once we’re ready. I’m not suggesting that the process has to take forever. In fact, some of us probably get stuck in the grieving loop a little too long.
But in my opinion, forcing yourself to get over it and move on before you’re ready, just doesn’t work. To me, “getting over it,” implies moving on without feeling your feelings, in a detached, mind-numbing way.
Yet when we do that, the toxic feelings that lurk within, get trapped. And they may take years to release. Or, worse yet, they may leak out little by little, poisoning our relationships at home and at our new place of employment.
If we don’t reflect on what happened, we may also miss out on important lessons. For example, a number of the clients I work with admit that they weren’t all that happy in their jobs. Some come to the conclusion that being laid off was a blessing in disguise, once they move beyond the sloppy stew of feelings they experience when they’re first shown the door. I’d be fibbing if I said everyone feels this way, but some certainly do. And as a result of that awareness, they pursue a job or career that’s a better fit for them.
So, what do you think – should people just get over it and move on after they lose a job, or take the time to move through the process?
Can you think of a time when you moved on too quickly?
And have there been times when you lingered too long in your grief?
I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please join in the conversation by leaving a comment (by scrolling down) here on Stepping Stones.
Are you recovering from job loss or dealing with the death of a loved one? Or are you struggling to keep your head above water as a primary caregiver of an older adult? If so, I’d love to support on your new life journey. Visit my website at http://tinyurl.com/npmube to sign up for an introductory session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.
Ellen H. Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, Ohio.
Dorothy Dalton says:
October 26th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Ellen – great post and interesting findings, although not totally in line with my own experience at all. I actually find men and women both struggle with job loss. In some ways men more significantly than women especially if their sense of self worth is strongly connected to their career. Women generally (but not always ) are more able to discuss their concerns, fears and insecurities than the guys. The ” move on” approach can be a coping strategy, but once there is an acceptance that it is OK to ask for support and go through that barrier, then they too are able to share their concerns to a trusted listener. My observation is that men grieve too – but need an action plan to give them structure during the process.
Ellen Brown says:
October 26th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Thanks, Dorothy. I really appreciate your perspective. I didn’t mean to imply that men didn’t struggle with job loss; only that I was rather shocked that the men I met at this conference were seemed so surprised that people didn’t just “get over it.” I think it’s unfortunate, in general, that asking for helping isn’t perceived as a strength rather than a weakness, both for men and women.
Liz Strangways says:
October 27th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Ellen, In my experience loss of any kind affects one’s sense of identity. Therefore, it takes time to readjust. Prime examples in my life were giving up work to start a family: who am I now? I felt like an ‘invisible’ person; ‘just’ a wife & mother! The end of my marriage, particularly because I wasn’t working outside the home; and the death of my father – it felt that I lost a part of myself too. Such losses provide us with an opportunity to deepen our understanding of ourselves and strengthen bonds with others – if we ‘dare’ to share and not only ask for, but accept, the help that is available to us.
Ellen Brown says:
October 28th, 2009 at 6:11 am
What you say makes so much sense, Liz. Loss does affect our identity and how we feel about ourselves. I love what you said about how our losses provide us with opportunities to grow and connect with others. None of us want to attract adversity into our lives. Yet those difficult times DO create new opportunities.
Mel Otero says:
November 7th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Your article is right on target! I was unemployed during the 1983 recession and survived but it was a serious challenge. Even though I was layed off in the third layoff, it was difficult not to ask “why me?”. When, in fact, many people had lost their jobs ahead of me. There is a grief process that needs to be dealt with and if professional counseling is needed, there is no shame in seeking help. Then, it’s on to the rebuilding process. I have a couple of web sites and several Squidoo lenses to share what I have learned through life’s challenges. We just need to stay focused, keep our attitude positive and keep the faith.
Mel Otero
Nick says:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Very interesting and quite reassuring. I was presented with a compromise agreement last August and given little choice to accept. I was a managing director and the job consumed my life, the results were great but I clashed with the CEO – we had different approaches and ultimately I was going to lose – and thats what happened. This was (and still is) a massive hammer blow and a big shock. I have been totally devastated, I still wake up in the night overcome with feelings of anger and frustration – especially as I counted 8 of the employees as very good friends, so the personal and professional change was massive. I have only just started a new much more junior role and it seems to have made things worse to some extent because I am bored and I still miss the old job. This seems never ending and I have no idea where to turn to. I did try talking to the doctor but he just wanted to put me on anti-depressants and told me to move on and get over it.