Losing a Loved One: Taking the Time You Need to Grieve and Remember
Monday, November 30, 2009 9:19By Ellen H. Brown
When someone you love dies, do you take the time you need to grieve? In our crazy, busy culture, which encourages us to quickly “move on” after we lose someone, it can be challenging to take the time to grieve our losses.
But I’m grateful that I took the time I needed to heal when my beloved father-in-law, John, passed away, a few weeks ago. While his death was no surprise since he’d been diagnosed with terminal cancer and had been suffering from Alzheimer’s for a number of years, it still hit me hard.
John was like a Dad to me, which was no small thing since I’d lost my own Dad 24 years ago to Lymphoma. When Jeff and I got married, I felt blessed to have John in my life. He was one of the most loving, giving, unpretentious people I’ve ever had the good fortune to know. And my love and respect for him only grew over the 16 years he graced my life. Though I’m glad he’s finally at peace, after all the suffering he’d endured over the past few years, there is still that void, that emptiness …
A couple weeks ago, in the middle of teary period, I caught myself saying to myself “you shouldn’t feel this way. He was JUST your father-in-law.” But my husband reminded me of how close John and I had become and how deeply we cared for one another, and how it made perfect sense that I was so sad.
Instead of trying to paste a smile on my face and pretending everything was okay, I decided to honor my feelings. I called my clients, explained my situation and cleared away some time to “be” with my feelings and prepare for John’s memorial.
Over the next five days, we looked through a lifetime of photos and memorabilia of John to feature in a slideshow and a display table for the memorial, put together some music to accompany the slideshow, and got together with relatives from the East and West Coasts, who we hadn’t seen in ages.
Though the activities, themselves, were nothing out of the ordinary, the process was extraordinarily healing. There is something about paging through almost 86 years worth of memories and cradling your loved one’s baby shoes in your hands, that puts things in perspective. There is something healing about watching a person’s life advance and recede, like the rhythms of nature, the changing of seasons we witness every year, from spring to summer to autumn and winter, a pattern that makes natural sense.
Participating in these healing rituals made me remember other times in my life when I hadn’t taken the time to grieve for important people in my life like my own Dad. When he passed away, after a five year battle with cancer, I took the three allowed “bereavement days” and returned to work. I’ll never forget those first days back at the office. Feeling empty and raw. I was “there” in body, but certainly not in mind and spirit.
Then one of my co-workers had the gall to say to me, “I’ll never understand why people have to take a full three days off when someone dies.” His caustic words epitomize our culture’s disdain for grieving and sadness and red-rimmed eyes.
I hope one day we will, as a culture, provide us with the time and space we need to grieve our losses and honor the memories of the loved ones we’ve lost. Because when we honor our feelings and let them flow through us instead of erecting an emotional dam, we truly allow ourselves to heal and move on.
If you’ve experienced any sort of loss in your life – whether you were laid off from a job, diagnosed with a serious illness or got divorced, I encourage you to take the time you need to grieve your losses.
When you’ve lost someone you love, have you taken the time to grieve your loss?
What sorts of rituals have helped you move beyond your loss?
What stops you from taking the time you need to heal?
What do you think you miss out on when you “move on” too quickly?
Has there ever been a time in your life when you got stuck in the grief after you lost a loved one? What kept you stuck?
I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please join in the conversation by leaving a comment (by scrolling down) here on Stepping Stones.
Are you dealing with a serious illness or the death of a loved one? Or are you struggling with another life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://tinyurl.com/npmube to sign up for an introductory session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.
Ellen H. Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, Ohio.
Yvonne Perry says:
December 1st, 2009 at 8:11 am
My aunt passed 10 days ago. We were close in the past year. We kept up by email and phone until she got to weak to get out of bed or talk. Her death doesn’t seem real to me. Even though I was with my family over Thanksgiving, it couldn’t feel sorrow. I missed her physical presence, but I still sense her spiritual presence around me. I guess that’s why I can’t believe she’s really gone or grieve for her. I’m not sure what I’m missing.
My grandmother and I talked about Kat’s death (Nanny and I talk about death a lot) and we both agree that we’re glad Kat’s no longer suffering from cancer.
I grieved intensely for my grandfather when he died 20 years ago. We had lived next door to one another for 5 years. I cried for months afterward.
When a friend of mine was murdered in 2007 I cried so much that I couldn’t attend his funeral. I would have upset everyone there. The same thing happened when my husband’s brother-in-law died suddenly. We went to Dan’s celebration of life but I was a total mess. I felt embarrassed for my emotional condition because I hardly knew the guy and yet I was torn up by the loss. Like a “surrogate” griever, I was expressing the grief that others were holding back.
I had an energy worker clear my electromagnetic field after Dan’s death. What I’ve learned since then is to stop allowing myself to pick up and carry the energy of others.
Ellen Brown says:
December 1st, 2009 at 8:18 am
Yvonne,
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope it is helpful, in some way, to write about what you’re feeling. I can’t say that I “know how you’re feeling,” because we all have different relationships with the people we love. And we all grieve in our own way. My thoughts are with you as you grieve for your aunt. I hope you’ll continue to talk to someone you trust, as you process your loss, as it helps to share our feelings. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me, especially during this difficult time.
Ellen
Yvonne Perry says:
December 1st, 2009 at 8:55 am
Thanks for giving me the chance to write about my experience. I can and have talked about it. I blogged about it after I left a comment here. See http://deathdyingafterlife.blogspot.com/2009/12/carrying-grief-for-others.html
Sherri Henkin says:
December 7th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Ellen,
Thanks for using this forum to describe the process of grieving. As you know, my husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly two weeks ago. The feelings are raw – and I’m letting them be. I’m not even on my own time schedule. I’m willing to take the time to move through this process. A friend cautioned me to move through all of the steps (whatever they are in my case) to grieve and not to skip any steps.
I shuddered when I read of your experience about returning to work after 3 days. We need time – whether the loss is a parent, parent-in-law, spouse, child, etc. I’m comforted to read that you are taking the time to mourn your current loss.
Ellen Brown says:
December 7th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Sherri,
I am, once again, so sorry for your loss. You are so wise to take the time you need to grieve. I think we all grieve so differently and while there are “steps,” to a certain degree, the process certainly isn’t a linear one. I hope you are able to continue to feel your feelings and talk about them with someone you trust. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.
Ellen