When dealing with a difficult transition, give yourself room to breathe and “be”
Monday, June 28, 2010 19:59By Ellen Brown
Over the past six months, as my mother has grown more and more ill, I’ve come to an important conclusion: I don’t have to suck it up and pretend everything’s OK.
Everything ISN’T OK. My mother is dying, and it’s painful to watch the whole of her slip away a little bit more everyday.
So after many months of struggling to keep up with all my usual commitments, I finally gave myself permission to cut back on the things in my life that weren’t absolutely essential, so I had time to be there for my mother and family, and so I had time to breathe.
So, I cut out extracurricular activities that were sapping me of energy. Pared back on obligations that weren’t absolutely essential. Recommitted myself to staying healthy, balanced and fit through yoga, meditation and exercise. And streamlined the marketing of my coaching business. As a result, I finally have room to breathe and be. Finally!
Now, don’t get me wrong. None of this came easily. I hate the idea of “quitting” or “letting people down,” and like many women, I secretly wish I had the speed and stamina of Wonderwoman.
In fact, I even tried playing Wonderwoman for awhile. Though that had its benefits, pretending to be my favorite superhero left me feeling exhausted and irritable in the end and not so Wonderwomanly.
I tell you all this to remind YOU, that you don’t have to suck it up and pretend to be Wonderwoman or Superman, or whoever your favorite superhero may be. If you’re going through a tough time, there’s no need to carry on as usual. You can stop and take stock of your life. You can decide what to keep and what to cut. You, and only you, have the power to take charge of your life.
Which superhero do you pretend to be when you’re going through a tough time?
Do you tend to “suck it up” and carry on as usual or re-adjust your priorities during difficult transitions?
What has helped you take charge of your life when you’re going through a tough time?
I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.
Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.
Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.
Carl Slater says:
June 28th, 2010 at 8:22 pm
Ellen, Right on! Well said! And appropriate. I’m glad to hear you saying and doing this. If I could steal a line from one of the Dialogues with Dignity, it sounds to me like being gentle with yourself. Right?
Edie Galley says:
June 28th, 2010 at 8:52 pm
I was raised to “suck it up” whether things were good or bad…no matter how you felt. So learning that there are times that it is better to not “suck it up” is not always easy. Kudos to you Ellen for knowing how important this stage in your life is and to not suck it up and for helping others understand too.
Ellen Brown says:
June 28th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
Thanks, Carl. Yes, Stash and Dan would agree, I believe. Being gentle with ourselves is SO important, in tough times, and always : )
Ellen Brown says:
June 28th, 2010 at 9:01 pm
I hear ‘ya, Edie. I was raised similarly. Sucking it up was what I learned when I was young, and it’s been a tough lesson to unlearn. I don’t pretend to be perfect; it’s still something I struggle with from time to time. But I am learning to take time for myself so I have the energy to give to others.
Jamie Inman says:
June 29th, 2010 at 12:15 am
I said a long goodbye to my mother last year: she wasted away from Alzheimer’s and it was exceedingly painful to watch. HOWEVER, those final weeks were a sacred time of intimacy and healing. You have made a wise choice, my friend.
Stash Serafin says:
June 29th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
Ellen, I am so proud of you, and honor you for your ability to have the guts and courage to be gentle during these times of transitions.
Honoring our humanness is so important, and yes; I’m sure Dan agrees with you and me about being gentle as to me; gentleness is real strength.
Many of us were brought up to suck it up and learning how to feel the self breathe on many levels is so important, and allows the journey to be a bit lighter, easier and we can even begin to get a bit more comfortable with the so called uncomfortable.
I’m also a believer some way, somehow, good comes from our challenges.
Thanks for such an honest post.
Dan Hays says:
June 29th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
Way to go Ellen! The hardest thing for me to admit is “Everything ISN’T OK.” I’ve tried to minimize tough times a lot, and when I just let go of that and cut back and not try to handle everything like Superman, it has been so much better. I agree with Carl – you’re being gentle with yourself!
Ellen Brown says:
June 29th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
Thanks, Dan. I really appreciate your support! I guess this is one of these topics that many can relate to … I’m glad you’re learning that you don’t need to be Superman during tough times or anytime.
Ellen Brown says:
June 29th, 2010 at 7:49 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss, Jamie. Though I’m glad that your final weeks with your Mom were close and meaningful. Thank you for your support during this difficult time, my friend!
Ellen Brown says:
June 29th, 2010 at 7:52 pm
It is so true that many of us were taught to suck it up, Stash. I think that’s the reason this post has struck such a chord with so many people. I so appreciate your support and validation. And I’m definitely with you in believing that we grow from our challenges. I am definitely experiencing that with my relationship with my Mom and in my ability to forgive her and love her …
Wendy Naarup says:
June 29th, 2010 at 8:45 pm
Ellen, your words ring true and remind me of my father’s last days with Alzheimers. Treasure this time. However, I think you can take the idea one step farther. Even when we are not in transition, we can benefit from the same search for balance. We never have to be a superhero. We can always say no. It’s too easy to forget about our needs in the world of expectation. Let’s take the time to breathe EVERY day. Thanks for the message.