By Ellen Brown

They say that grieving is a lonely process, and if you’re grieving the death of a loved one, you may feel all alone with your feelings. But it doesn’t have to be that way. There are support groups in your community and online that you can join, and people there who will understand what you’re going through.

I recently found that to be true, when I participated in a bereavement group through the Hospice of the Western Reserve, after my Mom died. Over the years, I’ve been a part of a number of support groups and often encourage coaching clients to do the same. That’s because there is something comforting about being in the company of people who are traveling a similar path. There is an unspoken understanding, an invisible bond.

In any case, this wonderful bereavement group was a sanctuary away from the bustle of everyday life, a place where it was OK to be where we were at in our healing process, where no one judged us for our tears or our anger or our sense of relief. Groups like these are quite a gift in our crazy busy culture, which is all about hurrying up and getting “over” our grief.

It was a comfort to be embraced by this circle of new friends, where no one asked “aren’t you over that yet?” or told me “you should feel grateful that your mother is finally at peace.” It was a place where we could share our stories and our ways of coping or choose, instead, to rest in our silence. It was also a comfortable venue to learn about the process of grief, and test drive different tools to help us heal.

I  tell you all this, in case you, too, are grieving a loss. Because, whether you’re dealing with the death of a loved one, the loss of your job, or the decline of your health, you don’t have to go it alone.  If you need a little help, consider joining a bereavement group or a job club or a support group for dealing with a chronic disease such as cancer or diabetes.

And never forget that reaching out for help is strength, not a weakness!

So how about YOU? How have support groups helped you? I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones.

Are you dealing with a challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

Lately, I’ve been hankering to try something new. To experiment. To explore. To get out more. This all makes perfect sense since I haven’t had much time or energy to play in the past year, a year that began with the slow decline and death of my father-in-law last August and ended with the passing of my mom in July.

During that time, I didn’t have much energy or a whole lot of time to get out and have fun.  But today, while I am still grieving my losses, I’ve lately noticed a stirring within to try something new. And it feels kind of exciting. Like the way it felt years ago in the fall, when school started, and the air smelled crisp and full of possibilities.

Thankfully, life is serendipitous, so when I started thinking about how it would be nice to get out more, a friend of mine told me about a new book club that’s forming next month. I also heard about a study group that’s centered around the spiritual teachings of Eckhart Tolle and his book, the Power of Now. Though my husband and I have only attended the group a few times, we already feel at home there.

I don’t pretend to be “over” the loss of my loved ones, and I still carry plenty of Kleenex for those weepy moments that seem to spring out of nowhere, when I hear a sad song or smell a familiar scent of perfume that reminds me of my mom. But I’m feeling more hopeful and energetic. And ready to try something new. And for that I’m grateful.

How about YOU? Have you found it helpful to try something new when you’re dealing with loss?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

If you’ve been laid-off in the past couple years, do you feel like your self -confidence has slowly eroded? Many of my coaching clients who lost their jobs in the Recession certainly felt that way at a certain point.

But the good news is that there’s hope. Do yourself a favor, though. Start rebuilding your self-confidence now, rather than “hitting bottom” and needing to rebuild from ground zero. That way, when you walk into that next job interview, you’ll look and feel confident and assured, which is important, because, if you don’t feel confident, you won’t project that attitude in an interview.

If you’re not sure how to give yourself a boost, here are five ideas to get you started:

• Review your successes – That’s right. When you go back and recall your successes, both job-related and otherwise, and write them down and review them regularly, it will actually make you feel better. Here are a few questions I ask clients to help them remember their successes:
  • When, in your life, have you felt the most successful, in general?
  • What are the greatest strengths you bring to the table as a prospective employee?
  • What were your greatest successes in your last job?
  • Tell me a little bit about when you have felt the most successful in terms of your personal relationships.
  • What are you doing in your life today that makes you feel successful?
  • Commit to a new project or goal – This “project” could be just about anything, as long as it’s something that would give you a sense of accomplishment. It could be running a marathon or learning to cook French food. But make sure it’s something you REALLY want to do, not something you think you should want to do or something that someone else believes would serve you well.
  • Volunteer – It may sound counter productive to volunteer your time, when what you really need is a job, preferably yesterday, that pays good money. But volunteering is a wonderful way to boost your self-confidence. Not only does volunteering bring us together with other people who are doing good works, (which can lift our spirits), it also can help us develop new skills and reminds us, firsthand, of our talents and strengths. And the best part is that when we’re giving back to the community, we just feel happier.
  • Partner with a job-seeking friend – Searching for a new job, especially when you’ve been doing so for an extended period of time, can feel like traveling a lonely road. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Team up with a fellow job seeker or two and meet with them daily or weekly at the library or a local coffee house to share goals, encourage one another, and hold each other accountable. Don’t know anyone, who’s looking for a job? How about joining a job club? Check out this post I wrote on the subject awhile back: http://ellen-brown.com/blog/2010/02/18/dealing-with-job-loss-joining-a-career-club-can-help-you-boost-confidence-during-job-search/
    • Hire a coach – Coaches can encourage you and listen to you, and help you overcome the limiting beliefs that may be holding you back. They can also help you formulate a plan to return to work and keep you on track. One of the toughest aspects of navigating a difficult transition such as job loss is that so many feelings – including anger, sadness, and confusion — bubble up. And if you don’t take the time to feel your feelings and move through them, they may leak out in job interviews or in your personal life. And believe me, that’s not such a pretty sight. Good coaches also serve as a guiding light, helping you believe in yourself as you are navigating this tumultuous time.

So what or who has helped YOU rebuild your self-confidence, when dealing with job loss or another difficult transition?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment, here, on Stepping Stones, by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

When you’re dealing with a difficult life transition, such as divorce or job loss, do you sometimes beat yourself up because you can’t seem to  “get over it and move on?” Many of my clients fall into that familiar pattern, and I’ve certainly done the same from time to time. The problem is that scolding ourselves only makes matters worse.

Such was the case with my client, Josh (not his real name), a young and talented attorney who was laid off during the economic downturn. Josh had solid credentials, a great resume, and a gentle presence that made him a delight to be around. But Josh had been out of work for nearly nine months, and he had begun to see that long lapse as a character flaw. Sometimes, in our sessions, he would berate himself for being out of work, which only made him feel worse. That, in itself made it harder for Josh to sell himself in his job interviews. Over time, I helped him see that treating himself more gently was actually more helpful than beating himself up.

But it wasn’t easy, because Josh was like many of us who believe that a swift kick in the you know where is the best motivating force in helping us move forward. And why not? That belief is instilled in us by parents and coaches and bosses who tell us to “just buck up” or “stop your bellyaching” or “quit your complaining and get on with your life.” But comments like these only heap on the shame and shame, while sometimes paralyzing, is rarely motivating.

To me, the best medicine for dealing with a difficult transition is to be gentler with yourself. Why? Because when you’re going through a transition, you’re already in a compromised state. You may be feeling sad or angry or scared. Or you may be confused about what your future holds. When you’re navigating this rocky terrain, what you need is a best friend who’s cheering you on. Not a bully, threatening to knock you down.

If you’re wondering how you could be gentler with yourself, for starters, you could:

• Stop yelling at yourself and treat yourself with the same love and respect that you’d show a good friend
• Allow yourself to “be” with your feelings instead of pushing them away. This will allow your feelings to move through you in a natural way, instead of getting stuck.
• Remind yourself of your strengths and successes everyday
• Counteract your negative self talk, such as “I’m a loser” with positive messages you believe (e.g. “I’m a valuable employee”)
• Take some time to reflect on your new circumstances through journaling, meditation, or spending time in nature
• Balance out this tough time with enjoyable activities – in whatever form that takes for you
• Remember that  nothing lasts forever and “this too shall pass.”

So, do you tend to beat yourself up, or are you able to treat yourself with gentleness when you’re going through a difficult transition?

What keeps you from treating yourself more gently?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

If you’d like to hear more about the benefits of being gentle with yourself, check out one of our recent episodes of Dialogues with Dignity, in which we discuss that very topic: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dialogueswithdignity/2010/08/05/being-gentle-versus-working-hard

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

When we’re dealing with difficult life transitions like job loss or the death of a loved one, it’s not uncommon for us to focus a little too much on the past and the future. We may ruminate about the day our supervisor delivered the bad news. Or we may obsess about how we’re going to make ends meet without the help of our life partner.

Experiencing these feelings is natural, and I certainly wouldn’t suggest that we try to bury them. But there’s something to be said for balance and bringing ourselves back to the present moment, and being with “what is” today. At a workshop I recently attended on Complicated Grief, the featured speaker, a grief counselor for the Hospice of the Western Reserve, highlighted that point.

The presenter talked about how people who are faced with the sudden death of a loved one, experience a great deal of pain, and need to learn how to live with the pain, rather than pushing it away or self medicating themselves with alcohol or drugs. She recommended a number of helpful strategies, including staying in the present moment, which she said helps ground us in our current reality and is the key to bringing more joy into our lives.

What she described really resonated with me and surprised me.  While I’ve been practicing the art of living in the present moment (sometimes known as mindfulness) for years, with the help of books by great spiritual teachers such as Eckhart Tolle and Thich Nhat Hanh, I hadn’t really thought about the connection she was discussing. I hadn’t really considered how we often live more in the past and future, when we’re navigating difficult life transitions. But it’s true, and I’ve certainly witnessed that tendency in myself and in many of my coaching clients.

It’s understandable that many of us feel anxious and in pain when we focus on our regrets about the past and our fears of the future. But when we shift our attention back to the here and now, and listen, really listen to the Robin singing just outside our window or allow ourselves to savor the delicious meal set before us, we often feel more peaceful and happy.

By the way, I’m not suggesting that mindfulness is a happy pill. But it can be a helpful tool to have in your toolbox. So, if you’re dealing with a difficult transition and notice yourself slipping into the past or future a little too often, you may want to try this exercise to help you return to the present moment:

Take a few deep breaths, noticing the rise and fall of your belly. Feel your feet against floor. Look around you. Notice what you see. Reach out and touch something and notice how it feels.  Become aware of the sounds around you. You’re now in the present moment.

Please keep in mind that learning to live in the present moment is a process, so be gentle with yourself, when you notice your mind drifting. Then take a deep breath and bring yourself back to the here and now.

If you’re going through a tough time, in what way would it be helpful for you to live in the here and now more often?

How has mindfulness helped you in your life?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones by scrolling down.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

There’s no doubt about it: losing your job can crumble your self-confidence. While that’s not always the case, it’s often true whether you were fired or laid off, due to company downsizing.

But the problem is this: if you need to search for a new job, having a crisis of confidence can get in your way. Big time!

Such was the case with Colleen,* a successful attorney I worked with a few months ago, as a life transitions coach. Colleen was one of nearly 50 people in her firm who lost her position, due to the Recession. Though Colleen clearly had a great deal going for her, she had a tough time articulating her strengths, and since she had been unemployed for more than nine months, her self-confidence was slowly eroding.

As a coach, one of my goals is help clients like Colleen explore their strengths and successes, so they can feel more confident and present themselves in a more positive light, whether they are networking or interviewing for a new position. Because if Colleen couldn’t name her strengths and describe how her skills could benefit another law firm, there was little hope that she’d be able to do so on a job interview.

Before Colleen could sell herself in a job interview, she needed to feel good about herself. There are a lot of ways to help people re-build self confidence, including visualization and affirmations. But one of my first goals was to help Colleen get a better handle on her strengths and successes. Toward that end, I asked her a series of questions, which I requested she answer in writing, between coaching sessions. Some of the questions focused on work; others explored other aspects of her life.

Here are a few of the questions:

• When, in your life, have you felt the most successful, in general?
• What are the greatest strengths you bring to the table as a prospective employee?

• What were your greatest successes in your last job?

• What lessons did you learn in previous jobs that you can carry forth into your next position?
• Tell me a little bit about when you have felt the most successful in terms of your personal relationships.
• What are you doing in your life today that makes you feel successful?

If you’re dealing with a crisis of confidence, you might consider answering some of these questions. While doing so probably won’t provide a quick fix, it will likely shift your feelings, some. Because when we are focus on our strengths and successes, rather than our “problems” and weaknesses, we generally feel happier.

If you’re dealing with job loss, how has your outlook on life been affected, if at all?

What have you done to boost your self-confidence?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please join in the conversation by scrolling down and leaving a comment, here, on Stepping Stones.

Are you dealing with job loss or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH.

* The name of my client was changed to protect her identity.

By Ellen Brown

After writing my last blog post on the benefits of joining a job club, a number of people reminded me of how important it is to choose your club carefully. Why? Because there are no one-size fits all clubs. And at some clubs, there’s a little too much negativity permeating the air. And you don’t want to leave the meeting feeling like you need to shower off the toxic sludge.

So, here are a few tips on how to choose a club:

• Check out a number of clubs and, as they say, “try before you buy.”
• After attending a meeting, notice how you feel. Did you feel supported and encouraged? Or did you leave feeling beaten down and hopeless? A good club will leave you feeling uplifted.
• Look for a club that will allow people to express their feelings without allowing them to vent nonstop. While venting can be helpful, too much negativity can bring a club down. And it’s good to have a balance between sharing feelings and sharing strategies to propel your job search forward.
• Notice whether everyone gets a chance to participate, or whether there’s someone who hogs the conversation and choose the former.
• Find a group that fits your style. For example, if you’re more of an informal person, you may prefer a club that meets at members’ homes rather than one that’s held in a church or synagogue.
• Be aware of your feelings about other participants. Do you feel a kinship or camaraderie? To what extent did you connect with people? It’s hard to tell whether there’s a connection on the first visit, or even on the second or third, sometimes,. But you can usually tell if you feel comfortable or not. I, personally, think it’s good to feel both supported and challenged by other participants, so that you can feel safe about sharing your experiences but challenged to grow.

So what do YOU value most in a career club?

What do you find most helpful in such a group, and what do you find most annoying?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please join in the conversation by leaving a comment here on Stepping Stones.

Are you dealing with a challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my webs at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

I work with a client named “Sarah,”* whose friend thinks she’s “crazy” for joining a job club. “Why would you want to hang out with a bunch of unemployed people?” she asked Sarah one day. “Isn’t it depressing?”

“Actually, the people in my group are great,” Sarah told her friend. “They encourage me and support me. And I always feel better afterwards.”  Unlike her friend, who obviously has some “issues” with people who are unemployed!

I was so glad to hear that Sarah was benefitting from her new job club. I’m a big fan of these clubs for all the reasons that she described.

In case you’re not familiar with career clubs, they’re venues where you can let down your hair and share your job-hunting experiences and encourage one another along the journey. Some are held at libraries or churches or synagogues, while others are less formal and meet in participants’ homes.

Research has shown that job clubs can help people:

• Feel less alone
• Boost their confidence
• Accelerate their job search
• Talk about their feelings so they don’t bottle them up
• Share strategies for finding a job that’s a good fit
• Discuss the ups and downs of their search
• Fine tune their resumes and interviewing skills
• Celebrate their successes
• Stay on track
• Be accountable when it comes to networking and applying for jobs

If you’re interested in joining a job club, here are some suggestions for finding one that’s a good fit for you:

• Check your local newspaper for listings in the business section
• Visit your local library, which may offer job clubs as well as workshops on resume writing and interviewing
• Look for notices in your community newspaper’s calendar of events
• Check out Waggleforce.com, an organization dedicated to helping people get back to work, through the power of career clubs: http://www.waggleforce.com/
• Google “job clubs” and add the city in which you reside
• Get in touch with outplacement firms, which may sponsor job clubs or be able to refer you to groups in your area

How has a job club been helpful, or not so helpful as you’ve looked for a new position?

What limiting beliefs do you have that might prevent you from joining a career club?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please join in the conversation by leaving a comment here on Stepping Stones.

Are you dealing with a challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://tinyurl.com/yc7meqo to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH.

* The name of my client was changed to protect her identity.

By Ellen Brown

As I often tell clients and friends (and anyone else who will listen), meditation can help us weather some of life’s toughest storms. While it’s hardly a magic bullet, meditation can help us feel more relaxed and peaceful, and medical studies have suggested that such practices may lessen anxiety, depression, and insomnia, which many of us experience during difficult times.

I, personally, don’t know where I’d be without meditation. It’s one of those practices I’ve been committed to for years, and I can’t imagine giving it up.

A few months ago, my meditation practice was a God send, when I was watching my beloved father-in-law, John, who had Alzheimer’s disease and terminal cancer, slip away a little bit more each day. Every day when my husband and I returned from visiting John at the nursing home, it was so comforting to pull up my meditation cushion and just sit, watching my thoughts drift by like clouds in the sky.

On some days, my experience wasn’t quite that serene. But I did my best to accept what was happening and allowed myself to be with whatever feelings emerged … And while my meditations didn’t change the fact that John was dying or in pain sometimes, my daily practice helped ease MY pain.

If you’re interested in meditation but believe it’s too time consuming or difficult, not to worry. Meditation doesn’t have to be about sitting on a cushion for hours on end. You can decide how much time to devote to the practice, whether that’s five minutes or an hour. And you can even sit in a chair, if you find it more comfortable than a cushion.

Meditation can take many forms, including:

• Auditory meditations, involving music or guided meditation
• Visual meditations, which may involve the creation of mandalas or other works of art
• Traditional forms that involve sitting still with your eyes closed and following your breath or observing your thoughts, without judgment, as they pass through your mind
• Moving meditations such as yoga, dance or walking

One of my favorite books on the topic of meditation is Kat Tansey’s Choosing to Be. This beautifully written book revolves around a wise Maine Coon cat, his kitten muse, and author Kat Tansey, who take the reader on a challenging and often times amusing journey from the disorienting haze of depression to the freedom and clarity of Buddha mind. I often recommend the book to my coaching clients who are dealing with difficult life transitions, because it’s inspiring and lightened with humor and reminds us that we have the power and strength to transcend whatever we’re facing.

So, how has meditation helped YOU, as you’ve dealt with a difficult life transition, or how do you think it COULD help?

What kind of beliefs do you have about meditation that may be preventing you from giving it a try?

What are your favorite books (or audio resources) on meditation?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please join in the conversation by leaving a comment here on Stepping Stones.

Are you dealing with a challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://tinyurl.com/yc7meqo to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

I’ve always loved New Year’s Day because it feels like anything is possible because we’re wiping the slate clean or re-setting the big clock, so to speak. Sure, it’s purely psychological, but if it works, who cares?

Still, if we’re dealing with a life transition and want to create a new beginning this year, we always need to let go of something. This is true, whether we lost a loved one or a job, or whether we are transitioning into a new career.

The good news is that the New Year is a perfect time for us to let go of whatever it is that’s no longer serving us, because we’re often more motivated to change.

So the question is this: on this first day of the New Year, what do you need to let go of in order to make that transition?

Not to worry. There is no “right answer.” But here are some examples of what I’m talking about. If you’re transitioning into a new career, for example, you may have to let go of your old identity as an attorney, if your goal, instead, is to become a fulltime writer. Or if you’re going through a divorce, you’ll have to explore who you are in the world, as a single person.

Letting go of that special something isn’t always easy. But I know you can transcend whatever you’re dealing with, with the right support and tools! As a life transitions coach, I’ve seen clients do so time and time again — shedding old beliefs and identities that no longer serve them, so they can create new beginnings.

So, what do YOU need to let go of this year so you can create a new beginning?

And what’s the toughest thing about letting go?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please join in the conversation by leaving a comment here on Stepping Stones (scroll down to the bottom of the post).

Are you dealing with a challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://tinyurl.com/yc7meqo to sign up for an introductory session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen H. Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, Ohio.