By Ellen Brown

Do you believe in the pursuit of happiness? Or do you believe that happiness will always be beyond your reach, if you search it out?

While I personally believe that happiness is an attitude, rather than a destination, I think there are steps we can take everyday to feel happier. Of course, these steps will be different for each of us, because we are all so different, and what makes me happy may make you miserable, and vice versa.

I’ve been interested in the topic of happiness for some time now, and earlier this year, I was captivated by The Happiness Project by bestselling author Gretchen Rubin. The book chronicles the year-long journey of Rubin, as she tested out the advice of such happiness experts, philosophers and spiritual leaders as positive psychology guru Martin Seligman, Oprah, Samuel Johnson, and the Dalai Lama, who have suggested everything from keeping a gratitude journal to being in the moment, to daily meditation to simplifying your life and so much more. In the end, Rubin came to believe that you truly can boost your happiness, but doing so takes time and determination and experimentation. She also learned that happiness is a very individual pursuit. So just because something such as meditation makes others happy, it doesn’t guarantee that that certain something will bring YOU happiness.

I loved that Rubin admitted from the get-go that she was pretty happy, in general, but believed she should be happier, given the fortunate circumstances of her life. I also loved the fact that she didn’t embark on a year-long adventure set apart from the worldly pleasures of her life: she stayed right where she was in New York City, with her husband and her two young children. Because she wanted to learn to be happier right where she was and wanted to boost her happiness threshold before she was faced one day with the sort of adversity we’ll all inevitably face in life, whether it’s the death of a loved one or a friend with a terminal illness or something far more daunting.

At the end of her book and stay-at home-adventure, Rubin challenges all of us to start our very own Happiness Projects, and that’s exactly what I plan to do on January 1, with the help of Rubin’s handy Happiness Project Toolbox website: http://www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com/  Her free “toolbox” offers eight simple tools to help you construct your own project and begin boosting your happiness today. My personal Happiness Project is going to be my happy alternative to New Year’s Resolutions, which have rarely, if ever, worked for me.

The truth is that I’d planned to start my Happiness Project earlier this year, but the project got put on hold when my Mom became ill in January, and slowly declined, finally dying in July. As you might imagine, it was a tremendously emotional time, and throughout the year, I often wondered if it would have been helpful to have had a Happiness Project in place before my Mom’s decline. Though I’ll never, of course, know, my hunch is that taking conscious steps to boost my happiness, beforehand, could have served as a healthy buffer during what was one of the most painful and miraculous and transformational times in my life.

Since reading The Happiness Project, I’ve recommended the book to many of my coaching clients, who are dealing with difficult transitions such as job loss, chronic illnesses, or the death of a loved one. I’ve also suggested that they consider starting their own Happiness Projects, because more than ever, I’m convinced that finding a way to bring more enjoyment into our lives can have huge benefits. I truly believe that happiness and inner peace are worth pursuing whether you’re on top of the world, or you’re facing the Tsunami of your life.

I’d love to hear what you have to say about the pursuit of happiness. And if you’ve already started a Happiness Project or are considering launching one, I’d appreciate hearing about your experience. Please leave a comment, here on Stepping Stones.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH. Visit her website at http://ellen-brown.com

By Ellen Brown

They say that grieving is a lonely process, and if you’re grieving the death of a loved one, you may feel all alone with your feelings. But it doesn’t have to be that way. There are support groups in your community and online that you can join, and people there who will understand what you’re going through.

I recently found that to be true, when I participated in a bereavement group through the Hospice of the Western Reserve, after my Mom died. Over the years, I’ve been a part of a number of support groups and often encourage coaching clients to do the same. That’s because there is something comforting about being in the company of people who are traveling a similar path. There is an unspoken understanding, an invisible bond.

In any case, this wonderful bereavement group was a sanctuary away from the bustle of everyday life, a place where it was OK to be where we were at in our healing process, where no one judged us for our tears or our anger or our sense of relief. Groups like these are quite a gift in our crazy busy culture, which is all about hurrying up and getting “over” our grief.

It was a comfort to be embraced by this circle of new friends, where no one asked “aren’t you over that yet?” or told me “you should feel grateful that your mother is finally at peace.” It was a place where we could share our stories and our ways of coping or choose, instead, to rest in our silence. It was also a comfortable venue to learn about the process of grief, and test drive different tools to help us heal.

I  tell you all this, in case you, too, are grieving a loss. Because, whether you’re dealing with the death of a loved one, the loss of your job, or the decline of your health, you don’t have to go it alone.  If you need a little help, consider joining a bereavement group or a job club or a support group for dealing with a chronic disease such as cancer or diabetes.

And never forget that reaching out for help is strength, not a weakness!

So how about YOU? How have support groups helped you? I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones.

Are you dealing with a challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

In our culture, we’re taught – subtly or not so subtly – that certain emotions are better than others. Joy is “good.” Anger and sadness are “bad.” Guilt is pointless. And shame is, well, shameful, and best swept under the bed.

Often, these emotional dos and don’ts are reinforced by our families, when we’re growing up. Our parents might have told us that “boys don’t cry” or hissed “I’ll give you something to be sad about” from time to time.

Given those circumstances, it’s no surprise that we sometimes stuff those feelings we’ve been told are “bad.” But when we do, those feelings often reappear in the form of physical symptoms such as stomach aches or insomnia. Worse yet, they may lead to chronic conditions such as heart disease or cancer.

Or sometimes, those feelings leak out in inappropriate ways, because let’s face it: they’re always seeking a target, whether it’s someone from the past who wronged us or someone in the here and now we love with all our heart. I’ve seen this not so pretty leakage occur in my own life, and in the lives of my coaching clients, whether they’re moving onto a new job or a new relationship.

When we don’t release the feelings associated with our losses, whether we’ve been laid off or we’re dealing with the death of our spouse or significant other, we carry those feelings into that next phase of our life and often heap them onto someone new or familiar. And that is NOT a loving way of moving through life …

So I’m here to tell you that when you’re dealing with any kind of loss it is SO important to feel and release all of your feelings, whether you’re experiencing sadness or anger or guilt or regret or any other emotion that bubbles to the surface. As far as I’m concerned, there aren’t any “bad” feelings. Some feelings may feel more comfortable than others. But feelings aren’t “good” or “bad.” They just are.

When we give feelings their time in the sun, acknowledging them, expressing them, and releasing them, they move through us, instead of getting stuck inside and gunking up our lives.

In case you’re thinking “yeah this all sounds great but how do I do that,” here are some ideas:

• Talk it out – Find someone you can trust, whether that’s a close friend who can listen, without judgment, or a trusted therapist or coach.
• Write it out – Journaling about how you’re feeling can go a long way toward acknowledging and releasing your feelings. Of course, “journaling” is one of those words with many meanings, so what I mean by journaling is sitting down with a notebook daily (or several times a week), getting quiet, tuning into your feelings and writing about what you’re feeling, without censoring or editing your words. To help you get started, ask yourself, “how or what am I feeling right now?”
• Act it out – Sometimes, emotion calls for taking action. And for the record, I’m talking about taking action in a safe and reasonable way. Expressing your anger can be a positive experience. But not when you’re hurting yourself or someone else! Some possible ways of expressing or releasing your anger include going for a run or a brisk walk, writing a letter to the person you’re angry at (just because you write it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to send it), playing tennis or handball, closing the windows in your home or car (while it’s parked) and screaming at the top of your lungs, or simply allowing yourself to cry when you’re feeling sad.

As always, there are no one-size-fits-all solutions. The point is to find some healthy ways of expressing and releasing your feelings that work for you.

I’d love to hear what you have to say about the ideas in this blog post. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

If you’ve been laid-off in the past couple years, do you feel like your self -confidence has slowly eroded? Many of my coaching clients who lost their jobs in the Recession certainly felt that way at a certain point.

But the good news is that there’s hope. Do yourself a favor, though. Start rebuilding your self-confidence now, rather than “hitting bottom” and needing to rebuild from ground zero. That way, when you walk into that next job interview, you’ll look and feel confident and assured, which is important, because, if you don’t feel confident, you won’t project that attitude in an interview.

If you’re not sure how to give yourself a boost, here are five ideas to get you started:

• Review your successes – That’s right. When you go back and recall your successes, both job-related and otherwise, and write them down and review them regularly, it will actually make you feel better. Here are a few questions I ask clients to help them remember their successes:
  • When, in your life, have you felt the most successful, in general?
  • What are the greatest strengths you bring to the table as a prospective employee?
  • What were your greatest successes in your last job?
  • Tell me a little bit about when you have felt the most successful in terms of your personal relationships.
  • What are you doing in your life today that makes you feel successful?
  • Commit to a new project or goal – This “project” could be just about anything, as long as it’s something that would give you a sense of accomplishment. It could be running a marathon or learning to cook French food. But make sure it’s something you REALLY want to do, not something you think you should want to do or something that someone else believes would serve you well.
  • Volunteer – It may sound counter productive to volunteer your time, when what you really need is a job, preferably yesterday, that pays good money. But volunteering is a wonderful way to boost your self-confidence. Not only does volunteering bring us together with other people who are doing good works, (which can lift our spirits), it also can help us develop new skills and reminds us, firsthand, of our talents and strengths. And the best part is that when we’re giving back to the community, we just feel happier.
  • Partner with a job-seeking friend – Searching for a new job, especially when you’ve been doing so for an extended period of time, can feel like traveling a lonely road. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Team up with a fellow job seeker or two and meet with them daily or weekly at the library or a local coffee house to share goals, encourage one another, and hold each other accountable. Don’t know anyone, who’s looking for a job? How about joining a job club? Check out this post I wrote on the subject awhile back: http://ellen-brown.com/blog/2010/02/18/dealing-with-job-loss-joining-a-career-club-can-help-you-boost-confidence-during-job-search/
    • Hire a coach – Coaches can encourage you and listen to you, and help you overcome the limiting beliefs that may be holding you back. They can also help you formulate a plan to return to work and keep you on track. One of the toughest aspects of navigating a difficult transition such as job loss is that so many feelings – including anger, sadness, and confusion — bubble up. And if you don’t take the time to feel your feelings and move through them, they may leak out in job interviews or in your personal life. And believe me, that’s not such a pretty sight. Good coaches also serve as a guiding light, helping you believe in yourself as you are navigating this tumultuous time.

So what or who has helped YOU rebuild your self-confidence, when dealing with job loss or another difficult transition?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment, here, on Stepping Stones, by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

When you’re dealing with a difficult life transition, such as divorce or job loss, do you sometimes beat yourself up because you can’t seem to  “get over it and move on?” Many of my clients fall into that familiar pattern, and I’ve certainly done the same from time to time. The problem is that scolding ourselves only makes matters worse.

Such was the case with my client, Josh (not his real name), a young and talented attorney who was laid off during the economic downturn. Josh had solid credentials, a great resume, and a gentle presence that made him a delight to be around. But Josh had been out of work for nearly nine months, and he had begun to see that long lapse as a character flaw. Sometimes, in our sessions, he would berate himself for being out of work, which only made him feel worse. That, in itself made it harder for Josh to sell himself in his job interviews. Over time, I helped him see that treating himself more gently was actually more helpful than beating himself up.

But it wasn’t easy, because Josh was like many of us who believe that a swift kick in the you know where is the best motivating force in helping us move forward. And why not? That belief is instilled in us by parents and coaches and bosses who tell us to “just buck up” or “stop your bellyaching” or “quit your complaining and get on with your life.” But comments like these only heap on the shame and shame, while sometimes paralyzing, is rarely motivating.

To me, the best medicine for dealing with a difficult transition is to be gentler with yourself. Why? Because when you’re going through a transition, you’re already in a compromised state. You may be feeling sad or angry or scared. Or you may be confused about what your future holds. When you’re navigating this rocky terrain, what you need is a best friend who’s cheering you on. Not a bully, threatening to knock you down.

If you’re wondering how you could be gentler with yourself, for starters, you could:

• Stop yelling at yourself and treat yourself with the same love and respect that you’d show a good friend
• Allow yourself to “be” with your feelings instead of pushing them away. This will allow your feelings to move through you in a natural way, instead of getting stuck.
• Remind yourself of your strengths and successes everyday
• Counteract your negative self talk, such as “I’m a loser” with positive messages you believe (e.g. “I’m a valuable employee”)
• Take some time to reflect on your new circumstances through journaling, meditation, or spending time in nature
• Balance out this tough time with enjoyable activities – in whatever form that takes for you
• Remember that  nothing lasts forever and “this too shall pass.”

So, do you tend to beat yourself up, or are you able to treat yourself with gentleness when you’re going through a difficult transition?

What keeps you from treating yourself more gently?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

If you’d like to hear more about the benefits of being gentle with yourself, check out one of our recent episodes of Dialogues with Dignity, in which we discuss that very topic: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dialogueswithdignity/2010/08/05/being-gentle-versus-working-hard

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

Dave Grier

Note: The story below is one in a series of articles I’m posting about people who have inspired me by overcoming life’s obstacles. I hope you find the story inspirational. It was originally published in Cleveland Clinic’s Transplant Center newsletter for patients and their families, and is reprinted here with the permission of Cleveland Clinic.

Although Dave Grier has dreamed of becoming a pilot, since he was a boy, for many years, the dream seemed out of range, first for financial reasons, then because of medical issues. But today, at the age of 51, Mr. Grier is more committed than ever to living his dream and is well on his way to achieving it. The student pilot passed ground school with flying colors, and completed his first solo flight in October.

Mr. Grier, who is a two-time recipient of liver and liver/kidney transplants, hopes to one day launch a non-profit organization that flies transplant patients to Cleveland for their surgery and follow-up appointments. While there are some nonprofits that already provide such services, none of the pilots on their crews are transplant recipients, and Mr. Grier believes it would be inspiring for transplant candidates and recipients to know that they are being transported by someone who has traveled a similar journey.

Mr. Grier, who received both transplants at Cleveland Clinic, the first in 1997 and the second in 2007, explains his journey as a pilot this way: “After my first transplant, I pretty much knew that I couldn’t get my medical clearance passed because I was a transplant patient, and the FAA has some pretty high standards.”  But after recovering from his second transplant in 2007, he had some time to think, and his dream of becoming a pilot kept rising to the surface. Maybe he COULD actually become a pilot, he thought. Once he was strong enough to leave his hospital room, he went down the hall and hopped on the Internet. After doing a little online research, he found that there WERE a number of transplant recipients who had become pilots.

Mr. Grier remembers returning to his room with a big grin, with the knowledge that achieving his dream WAS possible. A year later, after fully recovering from the surgery, he applied for medical clearance for becoming a pilot, and on July 16, 2008, he had his clearance in hand. To say he was happy is a great understatement. “I was going to do a cartwheel in the post office when I got the clearance in the mail, but I didn’t want to explain it to the police,” he says with a laugh.

Recently, he accumulated enough in-flight hours so he could begin flying solo. Before he is allowed to have passengers accompany him on flights, he will have to pass a couple more tests, a fact that doesn’t seem to faze him.

Mr. Grier says his dream of helping transplant patients keeps him on track, so does his desire “to pay it forward” after being the fortunate recipient of the gift of life (from organ donors), not once, but twice.

For years, he has been giving back in a variety of ways. Today, he serves on the board of directors for TRIO, and for a time, he was the volunteer coordinator for the Minority Organ and Tissue Education program, where he had the opportunity to share his story and talk about the importance of organ and tissue donation to children and adults.

He’s also volunteered for the past few years in Cleveland Clinic’s Transplant Center, where he meets with patients who are awaiting or recovering from transplants. Mr. Grier says he loves to see patients’ eyes light up when they realize he’s there to talk to them about his experience, as a transplant recipient. “When I tell patients I’ve had two transplants, I notice that their attitude changes,” he says. “A lot of times they sit up in bed and pay attention. I think it’s really important for patients to talk to people who have undergone transplants and recovered. And I love being able to be that someone.”

To read more about Dave Grier’s high-flying adventures, visit his blog, Transplanted Pilot, at http://transplantedpilot.blogspot.com/

Copyright 2010 Cleveland Clinic

Sign up for my newsletter with tips for dealing with your difficult life transitions and download a free mp3 to help you overcome insomnia at http://www.ellen-brown.com

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH, who works with clients all over the world by telephone and Skype.Dave Grier

By Ellen Brown

Have you ever noticed how your limiting beliefs sometimes stop you from pursuing new opportunities? I consider myself pretty open-minded, but I recently noticed how my OWN limiting beliefs were holding me back.

Luckily, it wasn’t the biggest deal in the world. For months, my husband, Jeff — who is also my web developer and SEO guy all rolled into one — had been nudging me to start a Facebook Fan Page. But I scoffed at the idea. Facebook is okay. But I’ve never been a huge, fan, no pun intended.

When I hang out on Facebook, I often feel like I’m killing time. Yacking about useless stuff. So when I considered the idea of sinking more time into something I didn’t really enjoy, the thought wasn’t all that appealing.

Then, the other day, we were working on updating my website, and Jeff said he’d read that Facebook was visited more frequently than Google and that having a Facebook Fan Page could really help with search engine optimization.

“Hey, why don’t we set up a Fan Page NOW?” he said. “It won’t take much time at all.” The idea, admittedly, didn’t excite me. But if it wasn’t going to take that much time and might help me connect with people and improve my Google rankings, I thought “why not.”

I couldn’t believe how quick and easy it was to set up the initial page (please join me here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ellen-Brown-Certified-Professional-Coach/347591665890 )

Even better? Before I knew it, I was actually having fun dreaming up new content to create and different ways I could connect with people dealing with difficult life transitions.

Though my page is still in its embryonic stages, I’m excited about my new venture and the endless possibilities to reach out to people and create a sense of community.

When I think about how much I resisted creating a fan page, how I was practically kicking and screaming until the very end, it makes me smile.

Resistance is a funny thing. We may have some pre-conceived ideas about people or places or things, but when we let go of those beliefs and move beyond that resistance and take a leap of faith, we’re often pleasantly surprised.

What do you think?

I’d love to hear what you have to say about how our limiting beliefs hold us back. Please leave a comment here, on Stepping Stones, by scrolling down.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

In the meantime, please join me on my new Facebook Fan Page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ellen-Brown-Certified-Professional-Coach/347591665890 And while you’re there, please join in the conversations on the discussion boards. I hope to see you there soon!

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH.