By Ellen Brown

If you’re grieving the death of a loved one or the loss of your job, the holidays may be anything but the hap, hap happiest time of the year. In fact, depending on your circumstances, the holidays may be the most dreaded time of the year.

You may even feel like there’s something wrong with you for not “being in the holiday spirit,” if you don’t feel like going to the company holiday party this year (if you have a job) or heading over to Aunt Irma’s for a big Christmas dinner. And that’s understandable since we certainly have some bizarre expectations in our culture about people being especially joyful during the holidays.

But the truth is there isn’t anything wrong with you for not being in the holiday spirit. You’re going through a tough time, and you can’t be expected to flip a switch and be happy on someone else’s timetable.

It’s natural to feel sad during the holidays if you’re dealing with any sort of loss, because the holidays bring up memories of how things used to be, whether you’re missing a loved one who recently died or longing for the way your life used to be before you were laid off from your job.

Instead of berating yourself for not feeling happy enough, consider cutting yourself some slack. If you’re not sure how to do that, here are six tips for navigating the holidays this year, during this difficult time in your life:

Embrace Your Feelings – Instead of staying insanely busy during the holidays to keep your feelings at arm’s length, give yourself the time and space to experience and release your feelings. Though our culture leads us to believe that there are “good feelings” –such as joy that should be seen and heard — and “bad feelings” — such as sadness and anger — that are better pushed aside, when we stuff our feelings they often come seeping out in inappropriate ways. But when we lean into our feelings, they move through us like a river, cleansing and healing us. So if you’re feeling sad, go ahead, and have a good cry. And if you’re like some of the clients I’ve coached who are worried that if they open up the proverbial floodgates they’ll never stop crying, not to worry. It’s not going to happen. I promise. Crying is healthy and healing, and I don’t know about you, but when I allow myself to have a good cry, I always feel better.

Reach Out – If you know the holidays are going to be painful this year, because you’re missing a loved one who’s died, create a list of friends and family members who you can reach out to when you’re feeling down. The key is to find loved ones who are supportive rather than directive. There are plenty of people you can turn to who will tell you that you should “be over” the death of your Dad or grateful that you lost your job because you hated it anyhow. But what you’re looking for is people who will let you express your feelings without judging you or dispensing advice. I truly believe that one of the greatest gifts we can give and receive, during the holiday season (and everyday of the year) is the gift of listening without judgment. It is priceless.

Treat Yourself Gently and Generously – Sometimes we can be so mean and stingy with ourselves. But now, more than ever, we need to treat ourselves with gentleness and generosity. So become aware of how you’re talking to yourself. Are you building yourself up or tearing yourself down with your self talk? Are telling yourself that you’re a “bad Mom” because you’re too emotionally drained to do everything you typically do for the holidays this year? Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a close friend: with compassion and gentleness. And while you’re at it, why not do something nice for yourself this holiday season, whether that means getting a massage or taking yourself for a long walk in the woods or springing for a tasty dinner at a new restaurant that you’ve been meaning to try out? It doesn’t have to be expensive or time consuming (though it could be). I often challenge clients to weave some fun into their lives everyday, and that’s especially the case during the holidays. So I encourage YOU to do the same.

Tickle Your Funny Bone – When we’re dealing with loss, life can seem so heavy, so adding a little levity can go a long way. And let’s face it: laughing just feels good. If you need more reasons to add laughter to your life, consider this: studies show that humor has some serious healing powers. It can reduce stress, boost our immune system, increase our threshold for pain, and shift our perspective in an instant. Since humor is a very personal thing, I wouldn’t presume to prescribe a generic list of yucks. But you might want to find some funny movies to watch, catch up on your favorite sitcoms, and look for the humor in everyday life. I’m told that You Tube has a whole genre of cat videos that will have you rolling on the floor.

Count Your Blessings – Though it may sound counter intuitive to look at what you’re thankful for, when you’re going through a tough time, it really does work. Keeping a gratitude journal or just writing down what you’re thankful for when you’re having a particularly difficult day, helps balance out the negatives with the positives. The trick is to tune into your feelings as you’re writing your list, so you can feel the shift that takes place. I’m always amazed at the lift I feel, when I take the time to acknowledge and express my gratitude.

Remember That You’re in Charge – If you’re like many people, you may feel as though you HAVE TO do everything you’ve always done during holidays, whether you’re grieving or not. So in your mind, there’s no question you have to send out holiday cards, bake the cookies, and host the big family dinner. But the choice is yours. You can change things up. Try out new traditions. Get other family members involved, instead of going it alone. And you can even cut yourself some slack and choose NOT to attend some holiday parties. If you’re the family perfectionist who’s always gunning for another gold star, maybe this is an opportunity to give someone else a chance to help out. Of course, can still choose to handle everything yourself, as always. But just know that the choice is yours.

If you’re dealing with loss this holiday season, what are YOU doing to make it easier on yourself?

I’d love to hear what you have to say about this post. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH and a regular contributor to ShareWIK.com.

By Ellen Brown

Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.

Though I believe in that principle wholeheartedly, and often remind my coaching clients that reaching out for help is a strength, I recently realized I needed to take my own advice more seriously …

Like many of you, I was born into a family that believed in self-reliance and toughing it out regardless of what “it” happened to be. Then there’s our culture, which doesn’t exactly promote the idea of asking for help. Many of us were taught, either implicitly or explicitly that reaching out is for wimps, that asking for help is a weakness, not a strength.

Over the years, I’ve learned to ask for and accept help. But I also know that when we’re going through a difficult transition, it’s not uncommon for us to fall into familiar but not so healthy patterns.  And that’s exactly what was happening for me several months ago, when my mother became seriously ill and was nearing the end of her life.

Though I was doing my best to suck it up and tough it out and look strong, on the inside, I felt sad and helpless. Everyday, I was losing my mother a little bit more, and my heart ached, literally. But I was determined to hide my vulnerable side, that soft underbelly of mine that would tell the world I was hurting. Without realizing it, I had fallen back on that old, familiar belief: that asking for help was a weakness rather than a strength.

Luckily, I have an amazing coach, who helped me see the errors of my ways and offered to “be there” for me, whenever I needed her. She also lobbed a friendly coaching challenge my way by suggesting that I reach out to friends and relatives for help and consider accepting the assistance offered to me.

Doing so has reminded me of how fortunate I am to have such wonderful people in my life. It’s also made me realize that “help” can come in a colorful array of packages. Some of the things I’ve asked for are:

• More hugs and snuggles from my husband
• Email check-ins with my coach
• More alone time to recharge
• Help preparing dinner
• Time to hang out with friends and have fun
• Periodic phone conversations with friends who are able to listen to what I’m saying without offering advice or judging me for how I’m feeling
• Recommendations for funny books and movies that would help me shift my perspective when life felt too heavy
• Extra date nights with my husband to strengthen our bond and bring balance to stressful times

So, how do YOU feel about asking for help? Do you consider it a strength or a weakness?

What stops you from reaching out for help?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

Over the past six months, as my mother has grown more and more ill, I’ve come to an important conclusion: I don’t have to suck it up and pretend everything’s OK.

Everything ISN’T OK. My mother is dying, and it’s painful to watch the whole of her slip away a little bit more everyday.

So after many months of struggling to keep up with all my usual commitments, I finally gave myself permission to cut back on the things in my life that weren’t absolutely essential, so I had time to be there for my mother and family, and so I had time to breathe.

So, I cut out extracurricular activities that were sapping me of energy. Pared back on obligations that weren’t absolutely essential. Recommitted myself to staying healthy, balanced and fit through yoga, meditation and exercise. And streamlined the marketing of my coaching business. As a result, I finally have room to breathe and be. Finally!

Now, don’t get me wrong. None of this came easily. I hate the idea of “quitting” or “letting people down,” and like many women, I secretly wish I had the speed and stamina of Wonderwoman.

In fact, I even tried playing Wonderwoman for awhile. Though that had its benefits, pretending to be my favorite superhero left me feeling exhausted and irritable in the end and not so Wonderwomanly.

I tell you all this to remind YOU, that you don’t have to suck it up and pretend to be Wonderwoman or Superman, or whoever your favorite superhero may be. If you’re going through a tough time, there’s no need to carry on as usual. You can stop and take stock of your life. You can decide what to keep and what to cut. You, and only you, have the power to take charge of your life.

Which superhero do you pretend to be when you’re going through a tough time?

Do you tend to “suck it up” and carry on as usual or re-adjust your priorities during difficult transitions?

What has helped you take charge of your life when you’re going through a tough time?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

Anger. It’s a common reaction to job loss, and while there are those who may tell you to ignore your anger or push it away, in my experience it’s the people who do just that who are most likely to lose control or let their anger leak out in a job interview.

Allow me to explain. Several months ago, I was working with a coaching client named Randy (not his real name) who had been laid off from a job he loved at a large accounting firm. When I talked to him, several months after being laid off, and asked him how he was dealing, emotionally, with losing his job, he said he was “fine” and “totally over that.”

After I probed a little deeper, however, Randy admitted that he was still angry at his boss for letting him go from a job that had given him a great deal of enjoyment through the years. Although Randy was a successful accountant who had received consistently positive performance reviews at his last position, when it came to his job search, he was running into barriers.

In gently questioning him about what was happening, it became clear that Randy’s anger was getting in his way, during job interviews. When prospective employers asked him how he got along with his last supervisor, Randy had trouble deciding what to say. “The truth is I hate him,” he told me one day. While Randy never said as much, in a job interview, he admitted that he’d sometimes say things that weren’t terribly positive about his former boss. Oftentimes, he’d sail through the first interview, without a problem, but by the second and third interviews, when he’d let his guard down, he’d let little zingers slip out. Or he’d notice that there was hint of sharpness in his voice as he described the working relationship that he and his former boss had shared.

When I asked Randy if he’d ever talked to anyone about how he felt about losing his job, he dismissed the idea with the wave of his hand. “Talking’s not going to solve anything. I just need to find a new job. Then I’ll feel better.”

Randy’s reaction was a common one. Our culture tells us to “get over it” and “move on.” But when we are so fixated on “moving on” that we don’t take time to grieve our losses, it can come back to haunt us.

That was happening to Randy. His anger was slipping out in subtle ways in job interviews, and the people he was speaking with were picking up on his attitude. And when employers have the choice of hiring an angry person versus someone who’s content, guess what? They’ll choose the happy one.

Once Randy was willing to talk with me about the anger and pain he was feeling, he fared much better in job interviews. Over time, he let go of his grudge and forgave his former supervisor, and when last we spoke, he’d landed a new job he enjoyed even more than his previous position.

Before he was able to “move on,” though, he needed to process his feelings with someone he trusted. That is often the case whether you’re  dealing with job loss or the loss of a loved one or any other life transition. Because before we’re ready for a new beginning, we must move through our feelings.

So, what about you – do you still harbor angry feelings toward your former employer?

How would your life be different if you were able to work through those feelings?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

Were you recently laid off, or have you been out of work for awhile? If so, consider volunteering.

Although it may sound strange to consider giving away your time when you could use some cash to pay the bills, volunteering can go a long way toward helping you through what is often a challenging time. As a coach, I’ve worked with a number of clients who have seen positive results by volunteering their time.

Volunteering can help you:

• Have a sense of purpose
• Rebuild your self confidence
• Gain new skills
• Network with new contacts who could help you in your job search
• Make new friends
• Provide you with a sense of belonging
• Demonstrate to a prospective employer that you would be a good employee
• Give back to the community

While only a few of the clients I’ve worked with have parlayed their volunteer work into fulltime jobs, everyone has agreed that volunteering enriched their life, during a time when they were feeling anxious, lonely or disenfranchised.

What are your thoughts about volunteering to help you deal with job loss?

How has it helped YOU?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment, here, on Stepping Stones, by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

I don’t know about you, but one of my favorite transitions is the transition from winter into spring. Maybe if I lived in a warmer climate, I wouldn’t feel so much anticipation. But because I live in the Midwest, where it’s cold and not so sunny for nearly six months, I feel like celebrating when I see the first spring flowers poking out of the soil.

It’s an exciting time of the year when patches of snow are replaced by greening grass and splashes of purple and yellow and violet. Suddenly, there is a sense of hope and possibility that seemed absent just days ago.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. You can see the change in people’s faces. There is a lightness in their step, a sense of relief, a certain look about them that woo-hoo, they made it through …

And yet, the change of mood makes me wonder … What if we could feel that sense of lightness and possibility, that new spring feeling not just on March 20^th, but everyday?

We DO, of course, have the power to feel that way, but we need to make that conscious choice.  To feel the hope even on days when the residue of winter obscures the green of spring, even on days when the sun is playing hide and seek.

As a coach, I am constantly reminding my clients (and myself) that everything in life is a choice.

What do you think?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment, here on Stepping Stones, by scrolling down the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

Have you ever noticed how your limiting beliefs sometimes stop you from pursuing new opportunities? I consider myself pretty open-minded, but I recently noticed how my OWN limiting beliefs were holding me back.

Luckily, it wasn’t the biggest deal in the world. For months, my husband, Jeff — who is also my web developer and SEO guy all rolled into one — had been nudging me to start a Facebook Fan Page. But I scoffed at the idea. Facebook is okay. But I’ve never been a huge, fan, no pun intended.

When I hang out on Facebook, I often feel like I’m killing time. Yacking about useless stuff. So when I considered the idea of sinking more time into something I didn’t really enjoy, the thought wasn’t all that appealing.

Then, the other day, we were working on updating my website, and Jeff said he’d read that Facebook was visited more frequently than Google and that having a Facebook Fan Page could really help with search engine optimization.

“Hey, why don’t we set up a Fan Page NOW?” he said. “It won’t take much time at all.” The idea, admittedly, didn’t excite me. But if it wasn’t going to take that much time and might help me connect with people and improve my Google rankings, I thought “why not.”

I couldn’t believe how quick and easy it was to set up the initial page (please join me here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ellen-Brown-Certified-Professional-Coach/347591665890 )

Even better? Before I knew it, I was actually having fun dreaming up new content to create and different ways I could connect with people dealing with difficult life transitions.

Though my page is still in its embryonic stages, I’m excited about my new venture and the endless possibilities to reach out to people and create a sense of community.

When I think about how much I resisted creating a fan page, how I was practically kicking and screaming until the very end, it makes me smile.

Resistance is a funny thing. We may have some pre-conceived ideas about people or places or things, but when we let go of those beliefs and move beyond that resistance and take a leap of faith, we’re often pleasantly surprised.

What do you think?

I’d love to hear what you have to say about how our limiting beliefs hold us back. Please leave a comment here, on Stepping Stones, by scrolling down.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

In the meantime, please join me on my new Facebook Fan Page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ellen-Brown-Certified-Professional-Coach/347591665890 And while you’re there, please join in the conversations on the discussion boards. I hope to see you there soon!

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH.