By Ellen Brown

Do you ever feel like you’re just getting by in life? Surviving, rather than thriving?

I certainly felt that way many years ago, and last week, I “sat down” with my friends Dan Hays and Stash Serafin to discuss the topic of thriving (opposed to surviving) on our Blog Talk Radio show, Dialogues with Dignity.

After our roundtable discussion last week, I started thinking about how I’d been able to thrive after spending many years healing from child sexual abuse. Because it wasn’t quite clear to me, and there certainly wasn’t some magical line I crossed over from victim to survivor to thriver. Yet somehow I DID transcend my past; there is no denying it.

So how did I make that shift? I’ve found many tools for thriving along my journey, but one of the big things is  that I spent several years processing the feelings that bubbled after the memories of abuse surfaced. I cried. I raged. I told and retold my “story” countless times to therapists and groups and even to total strangers, at one point, I’m embarrassed to admit. Until I was sick and tired of that story. Bored of telling it, bored of hearing it and sick of blaming others for the circumstances of my life.

I can’t remember if the boredom set in gradually or not. But I do remember attending a healing workshop one day, years ago, and hearing myself , once more, relate the story of how I had been abused when I was young in great detail. Then, something shifted inside, and it suddenly felt as though my “true self” was witnessing the whole scene from a distance. I heard a voice inside say , “oh brother. Not again. This is sooooo boooorring….”

It was as though I could no longer stand describing myself that way. There was no denying that I had been abused. There was no denying that the abuse affected me in profound ways. But on that day, something shifted in me, and I refused to think of myself in that small and limiting way. While it was convenient for me to blame others —  including my mother – for hurting me and “ruining my life,” doing so was keeping me stuck. I’d allowed my story to keep me down in the dark abyss of despair. And I was tired of living down there. It was familiar, yes, but oh so dreary and oppressive.

That day, I felt a warmth starting in my abdomen and growing larger, swirling and pulsing. Hopeful and powerful. Urging me forward.

On that day, I promised myself that I’d never again use my “survivor label” as a badge of honor. I was a survivor, yes, but so much more than that, and I was tired of defining myself by that label. Tired of blaming the people in my life who had hurt me when I was young for my problems today. That day, I made a promise to myself to stop defining myself by what happened to me in my childhood and to take responsibility for my life. So I could thrive.

So, how about YOU? Are you surviving rather than thriving? Or have you found a way to thrive?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment, here, on Stepping Stones, by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

If you’d like to hear more about the benefits of thriving, check out one of our recent episodes of Dialogues with Dignity, in which we discuss that very topic:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dialogueswithdignity/2010/08/19/thriving-with-dignity

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

When we’re dealing with difficult life transitions like job loss or the death of a loved one, it’s not uncommon for us to focus a little too much on the past and the future. We may ruminate about the day our supervisor delivered the bad news. Or we may obsess about how we’re going to make ends meet without the help of our life partner.

Experiencing these feelings is natural, and I certainly wouldn’t suggest that we try to bury them. But there’s something to be said for balance and bringing ourselves back to the present moment, and being with “what is” today. At a workshop I recently attended on Complicated Grief, the featured speaker, a grief counselor for the Hospice of the Western Reserve, highlighted that point.

The presenter talked about how people who are faced with the sudden death of a loved one, experience a great deal of pain, and need to learn how to live with the pain, rather than pushing it away or self medicating themselves with alcohol or drugs. She recommended a number of helpful strategies, including staying in the present moment, which she said helps ground us in our current reality and is the key to bringing more joy into our lives.

What she described really resonated with me and surprised me.  While I’ve been practicing the art of living in the present moment (sometimes known as mindfulness) for years, with the help of books by great spiritual teachers such as Eckhart Tolle and Thich Nhat Hanh, I hadn’t really thought about the connection she was discussing. I hadn’t really considered how we often live more in the past and future, when we’re navigating difficult life transitions. But it’s true, and I’ve certainly witnessed that tendency in myself and in many of my coaching clients.

It’s understandable that many of us feel anxious and in pain when we focus on our regrets about the past and our fears of the future. But when we shift our attention back to the here and now, and listen, really listen to the Robin singing just outside our window or allow ourselves to savor the delicious meal set before us, we often feel more peaceful and happy.

By the way, I’m not suggesting that mindfulness is a happy pill. But it can be a helpful tool to have in your toolbox. So, if you’re dealing with a difficult transition and notice yourself slipping into the past or future a little too often, you may want to try this exercise to help you return to the present moment:

Take a few deep breaths, noticing the rise and fall of your belly. Feel your feet against floor. Look around you. Notice what you see. Reach out and touch something and notice how it feels.  Become aware of the sounds around you. You’re now in the present moment.

Please keep in mind that learning to live in the present moment is a process, so be gentle with yourself, when you notice your mind drifting. Then take a deep breath and bring yourself back to the here and now.

If you’re going through a tough time, in what way would it be helpful for you to live in the here and now more often?

How has mindfulness helped you in your life?

I’d love to hear what you have to say. Please leave a comment here on Stepping Stones by scrolling down.

Are you dealing with job loss, the death of a loved one, or another challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://www.ellen-brown.com to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH.

By Ellen Brown

Years, ago, when I was healing from child sexual abuse, I found it SO important to be around people (and books and movies) who could inspire me, as I traveled the journey from victim to survivor (ultimately becoming a thriver). Because navigating that transition could be grueling, and sometimes, I’d wonder whether I’d make it through the darkness and into the light. But when I met other survivors and read books about people who had traveled similar paths, I felt hopeful that I, too, would heal.

Back then, one of the people who inspired me the most was my therapist, Susan, who became a counselor, after transcending her own abuse. While she never talked about what had happened to her (thank goodness!), it gave me great strength to know that she had healed and been able to help other survivors like me. She had made it through the storm, and that gave me great hope. Because if she made it through the storm, then maybe I could too!

During that time, I also read a number of inspirational books by survivors who had overcome abuse, as well as the proverbial bible for survivors of child sexual abuse: The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. That book, which was an emblem of hope and healing for me, offered a plethora of healing exercises, as well as numerous examples of people who had overcome their abuse. The authors, themselves, who are both survivors, were also a great source of inspiration. Though I never met them, I felt inexplicably connected with them, as I made my way through their 600-page tome. Sometimes, it seemed as though they were right there beside me, cheering me on, saying “you can do it, girlfriend: keep going. Don’t let anyone stop you.”

At that time, there were only a couple of websites you could visit to commiserate with other survivors, but today there are tons of online resources for people dealing with abuse and any other transition imaginable.

Today, as a coach, I encourage my clients to seek out an extra dose of inspiration, whether they are healing from child sexual abuse, dealing with the loss of a loved one, or navigating any other challenging life transition. While I certainly provide them with plenty of encouragement, as their coach, I believe there’s no such thing as too much inspiration!

Below is a short list of inspirational resources (listed by transitions) I often recommend to clients who are dealing with difficult transitions. But please don’t be limited by this list.  Explore the Internet and your local library and bookstores to find some resources that resonate with you.

Inspirational Resources

Transcending Childhood Abuse

The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, By Laura Davis and Ellen Bass. (See description above).

I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse– Featuring a number of moving testimonies by survivors of child sexual abuse—edited  by Ellen Bass, co-author of The Courage to Heal.

Freedom’s Just Another Word, By Dan L. Hays – An inspiring memoir, set in Houston, Texas in 1987, about healing, hope, and forgiveness in the wake of hismemories of childhood abuse.

Minute to Freedom: http://www.radiokevin.com/minutetofreedom.htm – One minute audio segments by author and speaker Dan L. Hays that help people transcend their difficult childhoods, one minute at a time.

Dealing with Illness and Healing

Waking: A Memoir of Trauma and Transcendence, By Matthew Sanford – An inspiring story about hope and healing that chronicles the journey of Matthew  Sanford — from when he awakens in the intensive care unit of a hospital after a car accident that killed his father and sister —  to becoming a paralyzed yoga teacher and founder of a nonprofit organization.

Choosing to Be: Lessons in Living from a Feline Zen Master, By Kat Tansey – A wonderfully inspiring book that revolves around a wise Maine Coon cat named Poohbear Degoonacoon, his kitten muse Catzenbear, and author Kat Tansey, as they take the reader on a challenging and oft times amusing journey from the disorienting haze of depression to the freedom and clarity of Buddha mind.

Insomnia Relief Recipes, By Kat Tansey http://www.insomniareliefrecipes.com/

– This unique sleep program, created by Kat Tansey, is the result of the author’s personal quest to overcome insomnia. After spending many months researching the roots of insomnia and the nature of sleep, she was able to create her own unique recipe for regaining her confidence and learning how to get the restful, restorative sleep she needed, no matter what the circumstances. After realizing how pervasive insomnia truly is, she decided to develop Insomnia Relief Recipes to help others get a good night’s sleep. She used everything she learned from her research to put together a comprehensive program, complete with audios and videos, that will help you create your own, customized Insomnia Relief Recipe.

ShareWIK: http://www.sharewik.com –- A warm and inspiring online community in which experts dispense information about health and healing, regular columnists share their experience and knowledge, and people on the path to wellness gather to share what they know.

Dealing with the Loss of a Loved One

From Heartbreak to Happiness, By Aurora Winter – An intimate diary that reveals a single mother’s journey of tragedy and triumph after the sudden death of her 33-year-old husband.

The Year of Magical Thinking, By Joan Didion –  Author Joan Didion chronicles the year following the death of her beloved husband, fellow writer John Gregory Dunne, from a massive heart attack in 2003, while the couple’s only daughter, Quintana, lay unconscious in a nearby hospital suffering from pneumonia and septic shock. While some may find this book less than inspiring, because of its rawness, I found it particularly inspiring and cathartic.

The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death Divorce, and Other Losses, By John W. James and Russell Friedman – A wonderful guidebook to help you navigate your loss and make you realize that time does NOT heal all wounds, but that healing is possible, if you take the necessary action. The book was inspired by the authors’ personal losses.

General Inspiration

Inspiremetoday.com, By Gail Goodwin: http://www.inspiremetoday.com - – Free daily inspiration, designed to remind you that you have the power to create anything in your life you desire. A great way to start your day.

E-couragement,– Daily encouragement delivered to your email inbox by Thomas Waterhouse, a counselor in Tampa Bay, Florida, who believes that “Hearts filled with courage can rise to any challenge.” Sign up here: http://www.simpleencouragement.com/eCouragements

SO who or what inspires you the most?

What are your favorite inspirational books, movies or websites, and why?

Are you dealing with a challenging life transition? If so, I’d love to help out. Visit my website at http://tinyurl.com/yc7meqo to sign up for an introductory coaching session or a coaching package that’s right for you. Since coaching sessions are conducted by phone, I can work with clients anywhere in the world.

Ellen Brown is a certified professional coach, based in Cleveland, OH.

Note: This was the second in a series of posts on inspiration. In my first post, I talked about the importance of surrounding yourself with inspiring, positive messages during difficult life transitions. And today, as promised, I discussed some other types of inspiration, designed to provide you with hope as you travel this new life passage.